Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Feb 7, 2012, 11:57 pm
Somewhere along the winding twisty path of life, I lost my superstitious nature. I'm not sure when it happened, exactly, or how, but at some point I stopped believing in luck, fate, karma, curses, hexes, voodoo and the state Moneyball Lotto. Looking back, it all makes sense now. Belief in those sor...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Feb 2, 2012, 10:46 pm
(For you Super Bowl party hosts, my latest Zolton Does Amazon piece over at ZuG, Practice Makes Party, might be just the bash-planning guide you're looking for. Unless you're afraid to look like a Smurf. Or you don't like kosher salsa. Or vibrating cocktail weenies. Oh, come on. You have to go loo...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jan 29, 2012, 11:17 pm
Sometimes, it's about the small victories. The little things, the minor wins, those brief moments when you can shake your fist in the air and crow, 'Hoho, Universe -- I finally got one!' Or so I'm told. It's not like I would actually know. When it comes to little things, I'm 0-for-everything. Batti...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jan 24, 2012, 10:37 pm
When you join a new gym -- as I recently did, thanks for your athletic support -- you find yourself thinking about all sorts of new things. You might wonder whether you're sweating more than anyone else in the room. You may worry that you pedal like a girl on the stationary bike. You could spend an...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jan 21, 2012, 2:39 pm
Sometimes the key to being a husband is realizing that you can't win. Not to say that you never win. It's just that some situations, maritally speaking, are entirely impossible to navigate. Like, most of the ones that occur while you're conscious and within loud shouting distance of your wife. Tak...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jan 19, 2012, 10:01 pm
(Another week, another plug for you to come see The Ruckus Proves It! over at ImprovBoston. This Saturday, 10:30pm. Come for the comedy. Stay for.. uh, more comedy. Or something. There's beer. You'll like it. While we're pimping, there's also the latest Zolton Does Amazon piece over at ZuG,com, Bla...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jan 14, 2012, 10:27 am
(A quick and friendly reminder that if you're reading this before 10:30pm tonight and live in the Boston area -- or, come to think of it, you're reading this before, say, 3pm and have lots of airline miles just sitting there idling -- you're in time to come see The Ruckus Proves It! over at ImprovBo...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jan 9, 2012, 10:47 pm
Things are going well at my new job. "Going well", if you just count the work, that is. Every other aspect of settling into a new office is going about as devastatingly awkwardly as you'd probably expect, if you've read anything at all on this site. Or know me in real life. Or ever called me up as ...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jan 6, 2012, 11:00 pm
(For those in the Boston area, come by and see me -- if you dare! -- during ImprovBoston's SketchHaus, Saturday nights in January. I'll be performing with the high-larious sketch group The Ruckus; shows are just ten bucks and start at 10:30pm. Come see. There's beer. Good times. While I'm at it, th...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jan 2, 2012, 4:48 pm
I am officially unemployed. But only for the next ten hours or so, which is comforting. Actually, I've been unemployed for most of the long weekend. My final day at the last office was Friday, and my last "official" day Saturday, the 31st. "On the way out the door Friday, they took my keys, my ID ...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Dec 29, 2011, 11:58 pm
I mentioned a while back that I sent over a submission this year to the Mona Schreiber Prize folks. Their top three essays were announced this week. My entry, sadly, was not among them. Still, in the ongoing spirit of turning my abject failures into your glorious entertainment -- or at least into m...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Aug 25, 2011, 12:39 am
I'm always a little anxious around here about repeating myself. (Unless -- I say, I say, unless -- I'm in a Foghorn Leghorn sorta mood. That's Leghorn, son. It's a bird joke! I say, a bird joke! Your firehose don't go all the way out to the reservoir tip, do it, son?) Repetition, as they say, beg...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Aug 23, 2011, 12:54 am
My parents came for a visit a couple of weekends ago. It's always nice to have them here on 'our turf', where the missus and I can show them around Boston and take in the sights and tastes and history of the area. Except. We've been here for over a decade now. In terms of 'touristy', we're all tap...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Aug 21, 2011, 12:44 am
I mentioned a while back that the sitcom writing class I signed up for at my local Adult Education concern was unceremoniously canceled. (Actually, I don't know that for certain. They may well have had a ceremony. I know Jenn, who was to teach it, had a little party about it. I think I scared her w...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Aug 19, 2011, 12:59 am
At the office where I work, the powers that be have seen fit to break our group into two halves. All of us -- when there were precious fewer of us, back in the day -- once sat in the same area, on a renovated floor of a nice professional building. I'll call this spot 'the Tower', just to give it a n...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Aug 16, 2011, 12:31 pm
A few weeks ago, my friend Jenn pointed me to the Flash Fiction Challenge over at NYCMidnight.com. They run a whole series of annual writing contests, and Jenn thought the upcoming one would be right up my alley. Because it has a one thousand word limit. And everything I write is so short. Right....
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Aug 15, 2011, 12:55 am
Day three. My wife's been gone since Thursday, visiting her family. I've been on my own for three full days, and things are looking grim. Mighty grim, indeed. "On the bright side, I haven't eaten the dog. Yet." On the bright side, I haven't eaten the dog. Yet. Although there's a good chance she wo...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Aug 12, 2011, 8:34 pm
This post is a miracle. The very fact that I'm sitting in this chair and typing on a keyboard right now is itself an astonishing feat. Never mind that the words are (so far) stringing themselves together more or less coherently, and that they're headed for my website as planned, rather than some on...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Aug 11, 2011, 12:57 am
(Program Note: I'd like to thank the good folks -- Jenn and Kyle, that is -- over at the Mug of Woe collection, who've seen fit today to cast me in their 'Woeful Spotlight', a weekly series featuring contributors to the MuggaWoe effort. "And I got to mention Stairmasters, Zeus, Wal-Mart, Neiztsche ...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Aug 9, 2011, 12:58 am
I'm not overly protective of many things. My wife, my dog -- on a particularly 'frothy' day, my favorite sports team du saison, maybe. But that's about it. Or so I thought. Evidently, my condo is also on the short list. I did not see that coming. Yet come it did. Like this: "Maybe one of them bit ...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Aug 7, 2011, 12:50 am
Sometimes simple questions have more... challenging answers. Take this morning, for instance, when my wife returned from her yoga class and asked: 'Why is the inside of the bathroom door wet?' It's a simple question. Not even a dozen syllables. You might think -- as she apparently did -- that it ...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Aug 5, 2011, 12:57 am
Every once in a while -- read: constantly -- life decides to slap me around a little and point out what a fool I am. I'm not sure why life feels it needs to make the effort, frankly. I've got a wife, two parents, several neighbors, fourteen bosses, a financial advisor and three dental hygienists wh...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Aug 2, 2011, 12:56 am
I was reminded today of one of my rules for getting through life with as little hassle as possible. (There are many of these rules. Most of them are easily circumventable by Fate, Nature, idiots, smartasses and the average toll booth operator. So the rules aren't especially effective. And yet, the...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Aug 1, 2011, 12:19 am
Apologies to anyone who might notice such things for my unusual three-day absence. (Not that it's especially unusual. Or particularly noticed. Still.) Due to a lovely weekend visit from my parents -- and a not-so-lovely technical glitch on Saturday night -- I managed to neglect posting for longer ...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 29, 2011, 12:05 am
I have a dog. Because I have a dog, I know a lot about what happens to inedible surface parts of pigs and cows after they die. A lot. Like, way more than anyone not named 'Heifery Dahmer' or 'Hamibal Lechter' ever should. If you also have a dog, then you probably understand why this is. And you're ...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 27, 2011, 12:51 am
Tomorrow, I deal with the very bane of my existence. Or maybe I don't. I frankly have no idea, which means I'm already dealing with the bane, whether the bane bothers to show up and haunt me tomorrow or not. I'm speaking, of course, of the every-other-week meeting. Tomorrow is Wednesday, and our gr...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 26, 2011, 12:52 am
My parents are coming to visit this weekend. We have a guest room in the condo, but it can get pretty warm -- especially in the bathing-in-solar-flares weather we've been having lately. So I was only mildly surprised when a package arrived this weekend and my wife informed me it contained an air mat...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 23, 2011, 5:42 pm
I mentioned -- and proved, frankly -- in my last post that my ImprovBoston sketch class assignment to write a 'strong woman character' didn't go exactly as planned. So I took another shot at writing a sketch featuring a female character. This time, one without the Bubonic Plague, if at all possible...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 22, 2011, 12:52 am
As promised yesterday, I have a sketch to share featuring a strong female character. Or a female character, anyway. She's probably female. We'll get to that. Speaking of 'strong female characters', though, I'm squeally to report that the Mug of Woe collection, in which a story of mine plays a small...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 15, 2011, 12:53 am
There are lots of reasons why I enjoy living in the little patch of condominium that my bank mostly bought and allowed me to move my cheap furniture and toothbrush into. (A few years ago -- and two years into a thirty-year mortgage -- I made the mistake of trying to calculate in square footage what...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 13, 2011, 12:59 am
I may have mentioned, somewhere in the deep and rich history of this site, my uncanny navigational skill. Then again, I may not. Because my uncanny navigational skill is an idiot. "If I come upon two roads diverging in a yellow wood, then I might as well set the whole goddamned forest on fire, bec...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 11, 2011, 12:59 am
A few days ago, I found an invitation to Google+ in my inbox. I had an opportunity, thanks to a friend of mine on the 'inside', to be in one of the first few waves of users to experience all that Big Mother Google had in store with this new set of features. I hovered my cursor over the link to sign ...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 9, 2011, 4:18 pm
Continuing in the theme of yesterday's four-pack of "blackout" sketches (see that post for a description, if explanation is required), today I present four more short sketches in the same vein. Also, as it happens, the four that I actually presented in class. Unlike yesterday's bits. Because we nev...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 9, 2011, 12:59 am
No, today's title is not a flashback to some underaged Bartles and James brouhaha. (It could be. But it's not. Not today.) Instead, it's in reference to the latest assignment for the sketch writing class I've been taking over at ImprovBoston. This time, we're tasked with writing 'blackout' sketche...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 7, 2011, 10:05 pm
A few weeks ago, one of my many dozens of bosses peered over my cubicle wall and asked: 'What is it you DO around here, exactly, anyway?' Sadly, I didn't have a quick answer handy. I'm not sure it would have mattered, frankly. I DO lots of things around the office -- occasionally even a few in the...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 7, 2011, 12:51 am
Today, I have no tales for you. Only announcements. And an audio-visual presentation. Those of you who choose to skip the AV show can sit quietly with your heads on your desks. See if I care. First, I haven't cross-talked here for a while about the Zolton Does Amazon series I write over on ZuG.com...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 5, 2011, 12:35 am
I found four reasons to try writing a comedy sketch today. First, I didn't write much of anything for four days over the weekend, so I'm due. Second and third, today is July 4th, which double-duties as a 'holiday reason' and 'numerical reason'. And because of the holiday, we had no sketch class this...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jul 3, 2011, 10:09 am
It's been a scandalous four days since I've posted here. That feels like far too long, but I do have a good reason -- or rather, a set of reasons, some better (and more painful) than others -- for the negligence. I'll explain myself and ask for the mercy of the court, in the form of a short day-by-d...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jun 29, 2011, 12:35 am
The missus and I had a couple over for dinner tonight. They're a nice enough husband and wife, we get along well, there are no dramas or finger pointing or hair pulling when we get together. There's just one thing: They're cat people. Me, I'm not cat people. I don't mind most cats -- or most cat p...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jun 28, 2011, 12:31 am
I had a busy week last week, with another jam-packed dance card looming this week. If I'm really honest, I'm perhaps trying to do too much -- at least, for a man of my age. (Of course for most men my age, sitting upright and breathing at the same time is taxing enough. So by those standards, I've g...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jun 25, 2011, 8:16 pm
The title referring to, of course, a sketch about a class that I wrote for this week's sketch class. Ergo, sketch class class sketch. Got it? Good. I'm pasting this in and taking the rest of the weekend off. Bon class-etit, amigos. REMEDIAL LIT. PAULSON: Good morning, class! I hope everyone had a...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jun 25, 2011, 12:49 am
Writing comedy isn't hard. Writing comedy and being a doofus -- now that's hard. I don't appear to have the ability -- useful as it seems -- to think of things to write about. Not while I'm trying to think of things to write about, anyway. Which is most of the time. Instead, I get topics in much ...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jun 23, 2011, 12:54 am
There are many situations in life when a person may speak on your behalf. In court, for instance. During certain kinds of business deals. In a police interrogation room, from what I see in cop shows, if you can afford a fancy three-piece-suit lawyer. What I'd like to know is: can I get someone to s...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jun 20, 2011, 11:57 pm
(...to say the very worst?) My wife is going to stop taking me anywhere eventually. I used to only be a liability at family gatherings, company picnics, fancy dinners, shopping malls, my office and most nearby bars and taverns. But lately, I've found a way to make the situation uncomfortable, no m...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jun 18, 2011, 6:52 pm
As promised -- or 'threatened', if you prefer -- today's piece is a short sketch featuring Detective Jack Tate, a character dreamed up for my skit writing class and introduced when last we danced. "Now pay attention, Fleshpot, because I'm only gonna say this once." Since that leaves very little wr...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jun 17, 2011, 12:56 am
I have a new assignment this week in the sketch comedy writing class I'm taking over at ImprovBoston. This session, we're focusing on 'character sketches'. (As opposed to sketches without characters, I guess. Which would be an empty stage. So that's unfortunate, because those seem a lot easier to w...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jun 16, 2011, 12:56 am
I'm sleeping on a time bomb. Literally. Sort of. Literally, in the sense that what I'm talking about is my bed, which is indeed where I sleep. When I'm not napping at my desk. Or under my desk. Or near my desk, in case I need to pretend I'm doing something important. But not literally, in the sens...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jun 14, 2011, 12:54 am
Today was my first day back in the office after a week's vacation. I think if I had one recommendation for someone coming back from vacation, it's this: don't. Come back, that is. Stay in your blissful world where the sun always shines, the margaritas flow like mountain streams and you while your ...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jun 12, 2011, 12:58 am
In the spirit of keeping my damned fool mouth shut -- because I see what happens when I don't -- I don't believe I mentioned that I'm taking a comedy sketch writing class this summer at ImprovBoston. Or if I did mention it, at least I didn't post a list of ridiculously bad ideas beforehand, scaring...
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Charlie H. posted an article on Where the Hell Was I? - Jun 10, 2011, 12:59 am
It appears the world will have to wait a little longer for my foray into the arena of sitcom writing. (You hear that enormous underground 'WHOOOOSH'? That's the world, breathing a subterranean sigh of relief.) I found out today that the writing class my friend Jenn is teaching -- which was schedul...
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