chris u.

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Wacky Serial Killer Wants to Kill You with Kindness

chris u. posted an article on - May 21, 2009, 7:01 pm
Most people know the names Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy and Jeffrey Dahmer. They are arguably the notorious serial killers in American history. But do people know the name Johnny...
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Pelosi Finally Comes Clean, "Torture, Iraq, Steroids In Baseball…All My Ideas"

chris u. posted an article on - May 19, 2009, 8:36 pm
(Washington DC) Today the embattled Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, came clean about what she knew about the torturing of Al Qaeda detainees, and when she knew it. “I want to tell the Republicans and the rest of the American people, that you got me. I knew about the waterboarding and all the ...
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Obama To Block Abuse Photos Because They're Out Of Focus

chris u. posted an article on - May 14, 2009, 10:10 am
(Washington DC) When President Barack Obama took office he said that his administration would be transparent about everything including torture. But yesterday the president and his administration became down right translucent when he said that he would block the release of photos showing U.S. troops...
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CDC Issues New Warning For America: Beware The Banana Hammock

chris u. posted an article on - May 6, 2009, 10:15 am
(Atlanta, GA) Move over Swine Flu, there’s a new menace that’s threatening to churn the public’s stomach. It's called the Banana Hammock Virus or BHV. “The Banana Hammock Virus can be defined as the nausea, night sweats and other flu-like symptoms that accompany the sight of a man’s banan...
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My Case Against Solar Power

chris u. posted an article on - Apr 21, 2009, 1:03 am
Jimmy Nichols Hello my fellow humans. Earth Day is here, or almost here or has already been here, whatever. It doesn’t matter. What matters is what I'm about to tell you. I used to be a big fan of all that green power stuff. I almost bought a hybrid car. I thought about bringing canvas bags to th...
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Colleges Giving Away ShamWow Diplomas

chris u. posted an article on - Apr 13, 2009, 11:27 pm
(New York, NY) Last December 22 year-old Paul Finnemore was on top of the world when he graduated from Hunter College with a Bachelor Degree in Accounting. “When I held that diploma in my hand,” said Paul, “I thought ‘this is great, but a little weird.’” Paul’s diploma was made not fro...
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Wax Statue of Burt Reynolds Getting More Action Than Real Burt Reynolds

chris u. posted an article on - Apr 7, 2009, 7:32 pm
Wax Bandit at a 2007 Fire Island retreat.(Los Angeles, CA) Last week a scandalous rumor about American male icon Burt Reynolds spread like wild fire throughout the Internet. Allegedly, a wax statue of Mr. Reynolds, made during his Smokey & The Bandit days and nicknamed Wax Bandit, is getting more a...
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Cub Reporter Looking Forward To Life Of Poverty And Despair

chris u. posted an article on - Mar 9, 2009, 10:00 pm
(New York, NY) Julian Simon has one dream and one dream only, to be a big time reporter at a big time newspaper. There's one problem. Because so many big time newspapers are losing readership and advertising dollars, right now might be the worst time ever to work at a big time newspaper. Simon, howe...
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Obama Puts Republicans In Giant Bong

chris u. posted an article on - Mar 4, 2009, 11:20 am
(Washington D.C.) Recently a man in Nebraska put his girlfriend’s hyper cat inside a bong to calm it down. After being told about that story, President Obama got an idea, “A light bulb just, BING, appeared over my head.” So late last night the president rounded up all the Congressional Republ...
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People, Presidents Day Should Be About More Than Just Millard Fillmore

chris u. posted an article on - Feb 16, 2009, 4:43 pm
Millard Fillmore, February 1859 My fellow Americans, today as we celebrate the American President, I would like to remind you, that this day should be about more than me, your lucky 13th President Millard Fillmore. Now, I know you have your reasons why today should my day, and while those reasons a...
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A Message To Republicans And Bernie Madoff, You Are No Longer Allowed To Say Nest Egg!

chris u. posted an article on - Feb 12, 2009, 11:02 am
David Howard A few years back, my wife and I took our nest egg and dropped out of society. We did it, because we were sick of the rat race and wanted to find ourselves. Today, thanks to the biggest financial shit-storm since Al Jolson was getting away with singing in blackface, a lot of good people ...
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Mr. Mom Fired By Kids

chris u. posted an article on - Feb 4, 2009, 11:25 am
(Chicago, IL) It’s been a roller coaster ride for 41 year-old Rich Wabash. Eight months ago he got his dream job as a sports reporter for the Chicago Tribune. - "It was totally awesome!" Four months ago he was fired from that job, when the Tribune decided Chicago sports weren’t worth cove...
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Economy So Bad, Bill Gates Gets Job At Apple Store

chris u. posted an article on - Jan 7, 2009, 10:29 am
(Seattle, WA) In today’s sinkhole of an economy no one is safe, not even a billionaire like Bill Gates. In the last six months, thanks to those annoying commercials with Jerry Seinfeld and investing with Bernie Madoff, the founder of Microsoft has lost 99.99999% of his wealth. So last week, in ord...
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John Bender, "You Know What I Don't Want For Christmas? Another Carton Of Smokes."

chris u. posted an article on - Dec 22, 2008, 1:32 pm
(Shermer, IL) For millions of people around the world, Christmas means spending time with their family and getting some presents from Santa Claus. But for 40 year-old John Bender, Christmas means another year of his father shoving a carton of cigarettes in his hand and saying, “Smoke up Johnny!”...
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Sarah Palin Signs TV Contract With Fox News, But Promises To Quit Halfway Through

chris u. posted an article on - Dec 31, 1969, 7:00 pm
This file is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.(New York, NY) This week conservative megastar Sarah Palin signed a multi-year deal to appear on Fox News as a political consultant. Soon  after, the Joe and Jane Six-Packs of America were worried that being on cable T...
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Afghan People, If Americans Don't Want A Public Option, We'll Take It

chris u. posted an article on - Dec 31, 1969, 7:00 pm
(Afghanistan & Washington D.C.) President Obama and his advisors are considering sending more troops into Afghanistan. However, the Afghan people have a message for them. Keep your troops. Send us the public option. “We’re not kidding,” said Fareed Abdullah, a local schoolteacher.
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Obama Comes Clean On Healthcare "We Don't Want To Kill Grandma, We Want To Date Grandma"

chris u. posted an article on - Dec 31, 1969, 7:00 pm
(Washington D.C.) Yesterday, in advance of President Obama’s health care address to a joint session of Congress, the White House released the text of his speech. One paragraph involving the controversial death panels has caught the attention of the nation. My fellow Americans, let me make this cl...
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GOP Plans To Fix Obesity And Healthcare With "The 20 Ounce Pound"

chris u. posted an article on - Dec 31, 1969, 7:00 pm
(Washington D.C.) For months we have been hearing that obesity along with a broken healthcare system are major threats to America’s economic survival. After months of saying NO to all of President Obama’s proposed solutions, today, the GOP released their plan. It’s a plan that in the wo...
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Man Booted From Facebook For Giving TLI (Too Little Information)

chris u. posted an article on - Dec 31, 1969, 7:00 pm
(New York, NY) Last Sunday at 4:13 PM Jim Decker updated his Facebook status…Just walked past pizza place…Just ten minutes later at 4:23, that same afternoon, Decker’s Facebook account was cancelled. Why? “Mr. Decker was booted because of TLI (Too Little Information),” said Facebook...
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Local Singer Offers To Pick Up The Mantle Of King Of Pop

chris u. posted an article on - Dec 31, 1969, 7:00 pm
(Portland, OR) On June 25th, 2009 Michael Jackson passed on leaving this world without a King of Pop. Music critics, producers and performers don’t think anyone will ever be able to replace Jackson, and therefore the Throne of Pop will remain vacant. One man thinks that would be a crime against h...
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White Guy Volunteers To Sit In Back Of Bus

chris u. posted an article on - Dec 31, 1969, 7:00 pm
(St. Louis, MO) Barack Obama helped ease centuries of built up racial tensions in the United States, when he was elected to the White House in 2008. In 2009, Brian Pale also helped ease racial tensions, when he voluntarily sat in the back of a bus. Last week, during a trip across town, the 27 year-o...
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GOP Unveils Plan To Combat Global Warming: Swimming Lessons

chris u. posted an article on - Dec 31, 1969, 7:00 pm
(Washington D.C.) Most people think global warming is one big problem. But how do we fix it? Today, the Grand Old Party gave their answer. “It’s not just our answer. It’s the answer!” exclaimed the goggle clad House Minority Whip Eric Cantor. “And that answer is - swimming lessons!” Yes,...
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Cyclist With Two Testicles Says He Can Win 14 Tour de France Championships

chris u. posted an article on - Dec 31, 1969, 7:00 pm
(Tampa, FL) Professional cyclist Greg Dorvman, 23, is about to compete in his first Tour de France, and he has a message for Lance Armstrong. “Stay home…Retire, again…Do not ride in this year’s Tour de France. Your one testicle will be no match against my two testicles.” Starting this year...
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