david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Sep 14, 2011, 7:47 pm
I mean where I used to live, with my boys and wife. I have to be here quite a bit at present as she is in FT education. The house still feels like mine. She, of course, after eighteen years together, does and does not. It's only 'natural', except it doesn't feel natural at all. I am gladdest when sh...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Sep 3, 2011, 5:29 pm
Following on in the same vein as the last, just as the degree of practical flight up and down the country has lessened the lunatic urge for flight from the head over the last eighteen months, so also having a horribly split life has perversely lessened the slippage, spillage, splittage in my own min...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Sep 3, 2011, 9:27 am
I used to, once upon a time, et cetera, suffer from that common (or should that be uncommon?) urge that seizes us in the night, that as soon as it takes possession of our faculties sketches a diminishing and unendurable prison around us, until we are impelled to fly out into the night, full of the m...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Aug 28, 2011, 10:18 am
The Drowner I cannot relate the fact: not the pythons that seized my feet in their bed of mud, nor the black-lab Anubis who rose with a gasp and assumed a human face; nor the gaps in the headfronts of the bystanders as they sidled in a fairyland, then fled. The foetus-form, tender in its clothes, s...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Aug 27, 2011, 7:05 pm
Hawser-Sex Prosologion Part i by X & Y with the esteemed assistance of Lawrence Sanders & John Marenbon He has a splintery body, all sharp bones, stretched tendons, hard muscles. His fair skin is freckled across the shoulders and on his upper arms. Stomach flat, buttocks ti...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Aug 21, 2011, 5:24 pm
Yes yes yes, I've been away, and for good reasons. Mostly circumstantial, generally of the variety that gets very tired of all the "is this going to offend someone?" Anyway, I'm not out to offend anyone, just to catch up a wee bit. How is the head? As mad as ever, but being with a mad lover, I've f...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Aug 18, 2011, 8:02 am
Still alive, getting better, generally... or still getting generally better at living.
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Apr 2, 2011, 8:08 pm
It is fucked. That's why you left a year ago. Of course you feel like humpty dumpty after the last week. The manipulation was all natural - there was no malice, forethought or turning-of-the-screw involved, but it was manipulation nevertheless. It has broken my head, and the part of my heart that is...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Mar 17, 2011, 4:53 pm
It's ok. I'm used to pandemonium. Three boys prepare a body. Last night I wanted to pull the plug on myself, but today I'm fine fine fine fine. I feel like tissue paper dancing over a candle, slightly transparent, and not particularly safe, but am trusting in my footwork in the air. I have just got ...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Mar 10, 2011, 4:37 pm
If they are getting it wrong by carelessness one day, then over-zealousness the next. It's been a long time, nearly a year, since I've had to see one of the fuckers, but accompanied someone to an appointment today. If x was 'high' and 'manic' this afternoon, then so was 40% of the country. Ridiculou...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Mar 5, 2011, 5:05 pm
I suppose I'm rapidly approaching a whole year of a big change. What has it done to me? My suspicions have been confirmed - there is more to life. My sadness and regrets are confirmed - there is only pain in the world-left-behind if one acts decisively. I've confirmed my selfishness to myself - mayb...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Mar 4, 2011, 8:51 pm
When all is said and done, when you find yourself dabbling your toes in the Rubicon at long last, you end up crossing it. I hope that is my last word on the split. It is a trite observation, but it springs freshly enough in my brain tonight. I'm glad, after an evening of yakking with the boys, that...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Mar 1, 2011, 3:33 pm
When it all seems too much, play with the paint pens. But I have a question: what on earth has happened to my brain? It's been polluted with the 'colouring-in' disease. Take care all, Dx
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Feb 22, 2011, 9:01 pm
Took my two older boys for a couple of nights away to the house of where my heart now lives. I knew it would be hard (for them, for my ex, for me, and for everyone else involved, in that order). It was much better than I'd hoped. They were very odd for them for the first 24 hours - they knew it was ...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Feb 18, 2011, 9:44 am
Well. Two hours sleep is better than none, even if it is snatched between 11am and 1pm. Still, I lay in my bed, watching the ceiling, listening to the market traders setting up below the window, musing on the creeping blue light oozing from above the curtains. The body is rested, and the mind is as ...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Feb 17, 2011, 10:48 pm
Christ I wish I could sleep. Fuck the tories. Fuck all the politicised suicidalness. Etc. Posts for a later date. Right. Got that out. Now. What was I going to post about? Oh yes. Being ill and being well and love. I hate this dichotomy. When I'm with my lover, I sleep. Simple as that. When I'm bac...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Feb 16, 2011, 8:41 pm
I'm going to be strong, because my boys need me to be. I'm going to be strong, because my boys need me to be. I'm going to be strong, because my boys need me to be. I'm going to be strong, because my boys need me to be. I'm going to be strong, because my boys need me to be. I'm going to be strong, b...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Feb 6, 2011, 10:10 pm
They paid their visits over the last few days. We told them to fuck off. It keeps me going, at any rate. x
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Feb 6, 2011, 8:07 pm
With the rest of yis. Sorry. Bad time. Headfucked. Sorry. Can't. Still care, but in same place. x
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Feb 5, 2011, 8:39 pm
If there are two people prone to different moods, and they each spend 1/3 of the time up, 1/3 down, and 1/3 level, and disallowing for mutual influence, and assuming complete randomness, then they should expect to find the following for a set period of time: 1/9 both up - escalatory?1/9 both down - ...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Jan 26, 2011, 4:26 pm
The normalising aspect of society. We must all be the same. Why? "I like what I know and I know what I like." There is an innocence in madness that society hates, and therefore attacks in an effort to turn white black, and blitheness to guilt. "But the child that is born on the Sabbath day is bonny ...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Jan 22, 2011, 6:27 pm
There really isn't any need for text here. Most of you will have seen this on facebook. But late Nov. When the big snow fell. It really should have been our official xmas card. Take care all. Dx (and Lx).
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Jan 21, 2011, 4:25 pm
It's a crap time of year, isn't it? Here we all are, facing an uncertain future, locked in the greyest, blackest season. Still, there are occasional moments of levity. I got a ticking off in the nob centre today. I have had a few cold weather giros through over the winter, but as some of you might k...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Jan 4, 2011, 7:19 pm
Or at least a New Year. I've been through quite a bit since last Christmas. Is this a summary, a retrospective of the last lucky 13 months? I know someone tempted me recently. Jan - not as bad as others, a hopeful start Feb - stirrings Mar - forebodings April - escape from psychiatry, a meeting of t...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Dec 23, 2010, 10:27 pm
Merry Xmas Every One. Dx
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Dec 11, 2010, 10:58 am
And I seem to be bouncing from the internal squash-court of my skull more and more as we approach the 'fustive' season. I am sure I am being a right arse with everything I do and say at the moment. It is embarrassing, but dwelling excessively on shame at ones randomness only has dire consequences. T...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Dec 8, 2010, 6:46 pm
"Memories memories..." Stardust all tossed across the frosty night at Chapman's Cross, as I pull in, tears suddenly blinding, ignition slain with fingers bloodied still from the birth just heartbeats since, the quiet entirely gulps - cathedral of moon-ice - the other boy asleep, car-swaddled, wrap...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Nov 8, 2010, 6:07 pm
These are not in date order because I couldn't be arsed to cut and paste them all about. I think the most important are in the top half regarding explanation of the last 7-8 months, and the second half contains generally light-hearted pieces, and hope for the future. Take care all, Dx Toad (Septembe...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Nov 5, 2010, 11:22 am
1st person: The cause is 'a'. 2nd person: No, the cause is 'b'. 1st: In that case, there must be a cause 'c' that encapsulates both our positions, and explains the disparity between our views. 2nd: No, the cause is 'b'. 1st: But listen, 'c' explains why you think 'b' and I think 'a' - it explains wh...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Oct 23, 2010, 1:58 pm
"In an argument over something unnecessary and unimportant, I turned and stooped to pick something from the ground, and was stunned by a blow to the bones of the back of my neck..." c.1987 "Pissing at a pub urinal, I heard the door open, and the first thing I knew was that my head rebounded from the...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Sep 6, 2010, 2:34 pm
We seek him here, we seek him there, Those Frenchies seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven?—Is he in hell? That demmed, elusive Pimpernel. Yes, still alive. Just have nothing to say in terms of the confessional at present. Thought I'd leave a post for anyone who was worried. Dx
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Aug 27, 2010, 2:30 pm
I can't seem to write. Been having a few mild downs. Been trying to write myself out of them. Not working very well. Need a good kick up the hole. Warning, what follows needs a big self-pity and drivel alert. I know it's all a pile of shit, meaningless rubbish, and if I could break out of it I would...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Aug 16, 2010, 7:47 pm
When on holiday, there are always moments of slackness, moments of desultory ambivalence, where all that can be done is to get the pencils and crayons out. I can't remember what the proper name for the drawing game is when one person draws the head, another the body, etc, but whatever it's called, t...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Aug 6, 2010, 4:20 pm
"Fookin' ell! Fookin ell! 'Ang on!" We smiled at the three-hundred pounds of raw mince in the white t-shirt as we walked back from the pub through the city. "Fookin' ell! They say opposites attract. No disrespect, mate! But, fookin' 'ell! Don't take it wrong way mate, but fookin' 'ell! Fair play, I ...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Jul 29, 2010, 10:26 am
I've been up in Wales with the three boys. We were confined to the sheep-shit surrounded house by interminable drizzle, rain, downpours, rain, mist, rain, and rain. I'm ashamed to say I started to lose it somewhat by day three. However, like all sensible people, I had a plan, and that was to shepher...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Jul 29, 2010, 7:23 am
[therefore, let us propose that it is fictional] It was her eyes, when the end came, that proved insurmountable. He had described her eyes in many ways over the twenty years they had been together: "shark eyes", dead and expressionless as a great-white's as it carelessly chomps a section from your m...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Jul 23, 2010, 3:17 pm
Feeling sad, ashamed, angry, revolted, aghast at all the hideousness... well it can overwhelmingly make one wish for it all to stop and vanish, including me. But it's not suicidal. It's just temporary weakness - a lack of strength, a lack of firmness and fortitude. It won't last. Taking the boys awa...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Jul 20, 2010, 3:30 pm
i) When an event of extreme emotional import occurs, no single interpretation will suffice. All the varied explanations are probably true, and none will stand by itself, and many will be contradictory. ii) Black and white thinking: "It was all perfect / it was all shit." "I am perfect; you are shit....
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Jul 15, 2010, 7:03 pm
What necessity truly is in self-consciousness, it is for this new form of self-consciousness, in which it knows its own self to be the principle of necessity. It knows that it has the universal of law immediately within itself, and because the law is immediately present in the being-for-self of cons...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Jul 12, 2010, 6:05 pm
So hence, there may be some amusement and interest in reading the tales of my woes and heartaches. An edited account, followed by some randomness. I wrenched myself away from a vision of sweet sleepiness at six am on the dot, and drove down the length of the country in record time, pulled into tempo...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - May 27, 2010, 4:19 pm
Click the pic. This post will self-destruct in 3 hours. Take care all, Dx
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - May 21, 2010, 10:27 am
Closed for business. No noise or sound here. Gone. Send an email if you want to find me. Or leave a comment here. Farewell, and keep safe all. Dx
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - May 2, 2010, 6:32 am
So, if you want to read, add your names here, or send me an email at dckalcock@googlemail.com Desolation RowThey’re selling postcards of the hanging They’re painting the passports brown The beauty parlor is filled with sailors The circus is in town Here comes the blind commissioner They’ve go...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - May 1, 2010, 7:18 pm
I sit here in the rain, bereft of home, wife, boys; in a house where the occupants hate me for being in the way of them hating each other. I have been smoking and drinking too much. Pelvic floor exercises help at times - they stiffen the spine. (I'm typing verbatim from a notebook) I have noted ...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Apr 12, 2010, 9:52 pm
News from here - I was discharged onto the GP, as I had been wangling or angling for from the fucking shrinks. Therefore I am sane. Oh - in remission. Fuck them all the dirty bastards. That man with the thick glasses and thick rubber sewer gloves who coaxed that discharge from me all over my somewha...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Mar 30, 2010, 11:25 pm
All last from last Saturday or was it Sunday's walk. Following don't know if I'm deconstructing or recreating, or just smoking too much out of my right nostril: And this one, which I always used to call 'the three magi', being a pretentious tosser: And to finish, one of my favo...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Mar 27, 2010, 12:26 am
Thats all. Well it made me laugh. Take care all, Dx
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Mar 26, 2010, 7:55 am
Well, managed to scrape a few fragments of sleep together in the early morning. Wish it had done more for the racket in my head. Off to watch oldest boy play for his school in the rain. His first match on the team. And god help me I detest football. ------ Edit: they won one out of their three match...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Mar 25, 2010, 8:55 pm
Well---These six things doth the LORD hate : yea, seven are an abomination unto him: / A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, / An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, / A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth d...
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david a. posted an article on Abysmal Musings - Mar 24, 2010, 6:27 pm
I have nothing to say, apart from that my head has been filled with a suffocating tension. I've been doing what I often do when in that state: read, read, read. If words are like wet concrete, then hopefully they will smother and weigh down that quiver in the grey matter. It is nothing out of t...
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