Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 28, 2011, 7:55 pm
I have beeen struggling of late. I be a Christian, you see. I pray. Or at least, I’m supposed to. And I do, about those spirtual matters… such as… I dunno, death? Prayer? I pray for other people. But life? Real life? Do I pray about that? After all, prayer is just talking to God.
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 27, 2011, 10:17 am
I had my first revision lecture today. It did not go well. Even after all the work I’ve done I barely understood what went on. The word “screwed” springs to mind. I have more to do now than I did when I first started revising. Prof also said some words (which I can’t remember now)
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 25, 2011, 2:58 pm
My God is good. I’ve been so anxious today. I couldn’t even sit still. As soon as I think of Him my fears just melt away. When I have music and can dwell on the beautiful words. My God speaks to me and calms me. I am on my knees. Before the throne of God
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 23, 2011, 7:33 am
Apologies for the dull and repetitive updates. My life has shrunk. Revision is going badly. Partly because I just don’t understand and I’m scared of going back to Prof and telling him that nothing has sunk in. But (haha) partly because the weather is so gorgeous and my motivation has been somewh...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 22, 2011, 3:36 pm
Only a few days ago I was writing about what a failure I am, how I cannot trust God and that makes me a failed Christian. Or at least, that was what I meant even if I could not express myself clearly. Behold the man upon a cross, my sin upon his shoulders There is nothing I can
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 20, 2011, 8:25 am
Want to hear something really good? I may be as anxious as a very anxious thing, but I’m not depressed! Or flying high. I’m just nicely stable. Anxiety is doing my nut in. I put my foot in it last night and am feeling horribly worried that I’ll be told off. I’ve apologised and logically
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 18, 2011, 7:29 am
The anxiety is getting worse. I can barely think. I know it’s because I only have a week before I have to hand my essay in and it’s rubbish, really rubbish. I emailed Prof and he’s given me a book that should solve all my problems except I can’t concentrate. And I don’t know how
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 17, 2011, 4:53 pm
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 16, 2011, 2:14 pm
Day Two of not smoking and I’m alternating between feeling absolutely fine and losing my mind. Today the nicotine patch made me very sick indeed, but at least that effectively stopped the cravings! I am very tired though. And incredibly anxious, with tears never far off. It’s a paralysing anxiet...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 13, 2011, 7:44 am
When I’m stressed I smoke. It makes me feel better. It’s calming. It’s an excuse to take a small break. Inhaling slowly and breathing out is good for soothing agitation. I’m getting stressed. And I have an hour to go until I allow myself a cigarette. I’ve gone two hours. My plan of attack ...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 12, 2011, 10:02 am
Hello. I’ve been away for a couple of days with Differently Sane (not linking to her blog since it now be all private) and I met up with another northern friend too. It was lovely. There was sunshine and wine and lots of talking. And more wine. Followed by me now being extremely broke. Said broke...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 8, 2011, 3:59 pm
Splinty wrote today about just doing her best and that being OK. I felt at first surprise and then relief that my best may be OK, regardless of how well I perform. But then I started to wonder, what is my best? I have been placing so much pressure on myself for so long that
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 8, 2011, 9:20 am
It’s really quite funny. I looked at previous exam papers today and realised how useless my revision has been so far. I’m alright with the linguistic elements of study, but when it comes to law I have a massive block. I have learned nothing this year. Seriously. I wait for people to tell me that
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 7, 2011, 12:05 pm
I’m actually feeling pretty good. My meds are working. They took their time but the fact that I haven’t fallen apart during a time of high stress proves they’re doing something. I sometimes miss the high periods but the trade-off is worth it. I think I have been slightly depressed but it’s b...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 6, 2011, 6:51 am
I’m completely shattered, have cried in the loo at work and it’s not even lunchtime yet. Now my eyes are all puffy and therefore people may see that I’ve been crying. Yay. Someone has already commented that I look exhausted. Thanks for that. So instead of writing a proper post, as it would und...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 4, 2011, 8:25 am
Something I wrote last night: I cried today, triggered by watching Casualty of all things. One of the characters was diagnosed with Bipolar and struggled to accept that her condition could not be cured, only managed. I wrote recently about what I struggle with the most about mental illness. Last ni...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 3, 2011, 1:54 pm
Hubby, my family and I went to a concert at the Royal Albert Hall last night, as you may have known by my excited updates on Facebook and Twitter. The event was something called Prom Praise, a blend of classical orchestral music and contemporary Christian praise. One of my favourite bands was playin...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 1, 2011, 10:34 am
My psychiatrist told me to start yoga to help with anxiety. He also told me to pace myself in studying, whilst at the same time telling me to study every day, in work or not. Thanks dude, already doing that. Well, not the yoga. There was also some rubbish about breathing slowly and taking long
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Apr 1, 2011, 6:15 am
Bollocks. Argh! Panic. That is all.
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 31, 2011, 10:43 am
Vicious circle. I start studying and immediately my heart-rate shoots through the roof, which makes me not want to study. But not studying makes me nervous too so my heart still pounds. So I start studying again… Fun times. Beta blockers just aren’t cutting it. It’s been enough to make me go t...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 30, 2011, 9:31 am
So… what do I study? I am doing a general MA in Islamic Studies. Last year I studied the language and style of the Qur’an, which I absolutely adored and which is the area I want to do research in. When I told my friends from my undergrad what I studied even their response was,
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 29, 2011, 8:56 am
It’s alright. I’ll be alright. I got my exam timetable today – 27th May is the day of my exam. Two months and then I’m free. That’s even a bank holiday weekend so I’ll have an extra day to do absolutely sweet nothing. I can surely manage two months? I have leave coming up from the midd...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 28, 2011, 10:37 am
I’m not sure why I keep this blog anymore. I love writing here and I love my readers but I hate every post as soon as I publish it. I’m aware I’ve pulled my blog a few times now, or decided to take a break and then come back but I need to think about if I
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 28, 2011, 5:42 am
How easy it is to crash. I’m tired. I’m tearful. I don’t know how I even managed the commute into work this morning. I’m now sitting at my desk wondering how on earth I will get through the day. How the hell do I communicate this to Dr I Couldn’t Care Less? How do you
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 27, 2011, 5:08 pm
This is really just for me to look back on when I get overtired and worried. Hubby and I stayed with Bippidee last night and spent today with her. We saw her in her show, and before she tells you otherwise, she’s exceptionally talented. Today I did no study at all, phew! It felt strange
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 25, 2011, 6:26 pm
[Edit: I feel better about this today. He's only a doctor. What follows is just my initial reaction, nothing more, although I will still undoubtedly worry.] What was I thinking in my last post? Clearly the worst thing for me about mental illness is having to go to psychiatrist appointments. I shall ...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 24, 2011, 9:19 am
Right then, people. I have a question for you. My sister is doing an extended piece of coursework for one of her A Levels on Bipolar Disorder. She has asked me what the hardest part of living with Bipolar is for me, how mood swings impact my life. She asked if it was my self-esteem
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 23, 2011, 7:40 am
I saw Prof last night. I struggled not to cry beforehand because I was so afraid of telling him how much I’m struggling. At first he wasn’t answering his door so I emailed him and he replied immediately saying another student had held him up, so off I trotted back, even more nervous than I
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 22, 2011, 11:56 am
This is one of those posts. Just random words/thoughts spat out onto the keyboard. I think I use blogging both as a way to splurge whatever is in my head and as a way to reach out. Sometimes it just feels like there is too much in my head to do all of this alone.
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 21, 2011, 10:05 am
I had my meeting with my mentor today, how glad I am that I met her. I burst into tears twice while I was with her but she was absolutely fine about it. After two panic attacks this morning, tears are to be expected. Mentor walked me through everything to do with my studies, recognising
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 20, 2011, 2:19 pm
I keep bursting into tears throughout the day. I can’t party as friends are because I have too much to do. And I’m too shy anyway, more so than I thought. I can’t even relax with hubby because I’m too tense. When I try to do what I have to do I don’t understand any
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 19, 2011, 6:18 am
I just received the assessment results from Dr I Couldn’t Care Less through the post. Somehow he comes across as someone who would never simply dismiss his patients/service users/mental wastes of space. Have some snippets: Diagnosis: Cyclothymia. Unsurprising, and I really don’t care anymore wha...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 18, 2011, 7:04 am
Being ill has made me see a couple of things in a new light: 1. I don’t know how to relax anymore. When I was ill I spent a lot of time in bed because I could barely move for a day. After that diminished, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I could
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 16, 2011, 6:53 am
I’m OK, honest. I was getting ill yesterday which most likely explained why I felt so bad. I’m off work today, spending the day in bed. Funny how I let myself have time off for physical problems, but not mental… I ache from head to foot. It almost feels better than aching inside. I have
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 15, 2011, 9:46 am
I’m afraid my mood may be seriously dropping. I can’t face everything I have to do. Even though I may be able to get an extension on my essay, to enable me to focus on the exam alone, that couldn’t stop me crying for what felt like an eternity last night. When I should be
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 13, 2011, 2:40 pm
I’m sorry I keep repeating the same things over and over. But you’d better get used to it, because there’s nothing left in my life except studying and I have to get the thoughts out of my head, I can’t let them fester there. I realised this afternoon that I don’t remember much of the
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 12, 2011, 6:00 am
This is shit. I have far too much to do, just to keep vaguely on top of my current workload, never mind adding in revision. I think I’m reaching burnout. But I keep telling people I’m fine. I was on the phone to Bip yesterday (fabulous chat) and she heard my slightly manic-sounding laugh for
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 10, 2011, 12:02 pm
I’m bored out of my mind and am too tired to think straight so have one of these posts that I never normally do: A = Age: 28. It’s a nothing number. It just makes me realise how long I have been in education. 28 seems grown up but it’s really not. I still have
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 9, 2011, 2:27 pm
Something feels different tonight. Anxiety plus… something else. Maybe it’s an anti-climax? I got all nervous and now it’s over but the real work is just beginning. And I’m so tired. Getting through a workday is proving difficult, just from tiredness. And something went wrong this afternoon,...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 9, 2011, 11:06 am
I did my test. I don’t think I failed. I’m now consuming large amounts of chocolate to recover. I got beta blockers from my GP this morning. I hope they help. I’m tired. Still overwhelmed with all the work I have to do. Trying to focus on one step at a time. My list of
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 7, 2011, 11:22 am
So I’m back, after just one evening away. I may take a break, I may not, I may just post a little less frequently or write shorter posts. I sometimes feel I’m writing for other people and so carefully edit what I write and feel the post has to be substantial. Bollocks to that. I
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 6, 2011, 4:13 pm
I used to think that this blog only showed one side of me and that is true most of the time. These days it only shows the shit my brain throws at me when I need to get it out of my head. There is more to me than what I show on the blog.
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 2, 2011, 11:03 am
So I cried in my class again today. It’s been a few weeks since I did that. I didn’t understand a word of what went on. All I could think of was the exam. I will have to read a text in Arabic and either translate it or write an essay about it. It took
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Mar 1, 2011, 7:38 am
I feel good! Yeah! Not a mood swing in sight. How are you? However… … So much anxiety. It’s been a while since I felt like this. To have a completely stable mood (woo) but exceptionally high levels of anxiety (boo) both at the same time. Weird. I’m also just tired all the time, no
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Feb 26, 2011, 5:28 am
I met Bippidee yesterday for the first time. She’s just lovely and we had lots of cuddles and talking. I’ll leave it at that for now, as I feel a little emotional now I’m back home, but go over to her blog and see how the visit went. It was good for me to get
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Feb 23, 2011, 3:44 pm
I’m feeling good, if with inordinately high levels of anxiety and a desire to hide forever in bed. I’ve been reading and I identify strongly with the following description: INFPs have a wealth of warmth and enthusiasm, but they may not show it until they know someone well. They wear their warmth...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Feb 22, 2011, 6:13 am
Oh dear. Lethargy is kicking in. I wish I was at home, faffing around on the internet, rather than being at work faffing around on the internet. Right after yesterday’s post was published I got all agitated and anxious for no reason. I keep seeing myself falling off cliffs and it’s really quite ...
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Feb 21, 2011, 10:38 am
Another post starting with – dare I say it? I’m feeling far more positive than I have since Christmas. It felt like that depression was going to last forever. Perhaps it will come back, most likely it will at some point but for now… things are looking up. Mentor asked me today if I think
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Feb 18, 2011, 5:17 am
This is really a follow-up to my previous post. It’s only a little post because I have a lot to do today. I’m feeling a lot better, my mood is perhaps changing, finally. My sense of identity is entirely mood-dependent and that is what I need to work on. When I’m feeling good, or hypomanic
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Karita R. posted an article on If Narky, Feed Profusely - Feb 17, 2011, 6:52 am
Dare I say it? Since yesterday I’ve been doing well. No crying. Productive at work. I’m trying to get as much done this week as I can, before the onslaught of next week. I am functioning well. There is likely to be more work added to my already hefty workload this afternoon, when I have
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