Laura S.

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The Day The Gorgeous UPS Guy Delivered My NewDesk Chair-A Love Story

Laura S. posted an article on - Dec 9, 2009, 5:41 pm
I was into my third day of having this rotten cold/flu. I was lying on my couch with my bed pillows and a quilt pulled over me. I was on my fourth box of Kleenex, with at least one box used and d...
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It's not you, it's me

Laura S. posted an article on - Dec 8, 2009, 3:47 pm
It seems every time I turn around I feel like crap. This time I think I had something a little bigger than a regular cold. Maybe something that rhymes with wine sue. Or maybe it was just a cold and I&...
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I'm all Martha Fuckin' Stewart up in here minus thebad hair and the whole ex-con thing, oh and the multi-million dollar empire- but I got that bitchy thing goingon

Laura S. posted an article on - Dec 6, 2009, 4:08 pm
I've had a rotten stinking cold all weekend because assholes can't stay home when they're sick, let alone cover their mouths when they cough. In between watching bad television today and c...
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It's never too early to start humiliating your petswith holiday photos

Laura S. posted an article on - Dec 5, 2009, 1:10 pm
Here's one picture I was able to snap before Jack lost his holiday spirit- He then tried to gore me with his antlers. When that didn't work he threw himself down and pretended to have rabies...
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When my life flashes before my eyes, why is it I seemyself captaining the Starship Enterprise when I'mpretty certain that never happened?

Laura S. posted an article on - Dec 3, 2009, 6:28 pm
Today after work I went to take a shower in an attempt to wash away some of the suckassness of the day. As I removed my bra, I turned and caught a quick glimpse in the mirror of something disconcertin...
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Everything I know about rabies I learned from theInternet, and that pretty much makes me a scientist

Laura S. posted an article on - Dec 2, 2009, 6:04 pm
Today I got up, went to work in the rain, worked, and then came home in the rain. And in between I wanted to stab everyone. My day. The end. And because what's in my head and on my hard drive is w...
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Coming up with new ways to hide evidence is hard,but it's fun to imagine the look on the bell-ringingSanta's face when I donate a bloody sock full ofquarters

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 30, 2009, 3:55 pm
Thanksgiving marks the start of the holiday season for me. Thanksgiving, then Christmas, ending with New Years. You would think the holiday season would soften my desire to stab people. Well, you woul...
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It's like winning an Oscar before the movie you're inis even released

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 28, 2009, 8:25 pm
Since Dogette and I announced the new site we're co-authoring there's been some buzz on the Internets. Here's just a few I've read: "it's the end of times..." "I think the world ...
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An important announcement accompanied by vampiresand Jesus just like most of my announcements areexcept when they're accompanied by werewolves andSatan and sometimes clowns

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 27, 2009, 4:25 pm
I wanted to do an entry earlier today but saw something shinier on my computer -True Blood- and decided to watch a few episodes. That turned into watching four, and then I had to take a nap. I woke up...
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I once told my mother that I would rather go to Hellthan Heaven, I think with this entry I may have justpurchased my ticket

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 25, 2009, 3:48 pm
I remember my first Catechism classes in first grade. That was when Sister Jean Marie told us God was as old as time itself and all powerful, and that he did not look like us. So in my child's min...
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Maybe it's a good thing that I don't own a killer robotbecause I can't even figure out my TiVo

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 24, 2009, 4:02 pm
Did you all realize that soon it will be 2010? Yes, 2010. Let that soak in for a minute. I don't know about you but when I was a kid most sci-fi movies about the future were set in that year. They...
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Some people would argue that making a stab list everyweek isn't what a normal person would do and they'reright, it's what an awesome person would do

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 23, 2009, 4:14 pm
I had a busy weekend. I saw New Moon, which was excellent. At some point during the weekend I started watching True Blood season one episodes. I now feel like I'm a vampire expert which prepares m...
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I'm not saying I have world domination plans, but ifI did this is exactly what I would be doing

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 19, 2009, 4:16 pm
This morning I was watching the national news before work and one of the stories I caught was about China. It was about how their economy is booming and how enterprising Chinese are getting rich. They...
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Totally random shit off of my hard drive

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 18, 2009, 5:55 pm
I was looking through my photos on my computer, attempting to organize them. By organize, I basically mean deleting the majority of them and stashing the rest in folders. Then I thought since I don...
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What's sadder than two grown women giddy aboutthe new teen angst vampire movie? Nothing.

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 17, 2009, 3:47 pm
Richelle: "We're still going to go see New Moon Friday when it premiers, right?" Me: "Sure. Can you get tickets online early so we won't have to wait in line?" Richelle: "I don't think t...
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Thelma is still maintaining her innocence in theattempted murder of Jack but today I found herpassport hidden behind the fridge so I know sheknows we're onto her

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 16, 2009, 4:29 pm
Even though I was down for the count for a few days last week, I still have a Stab List to fill. Rage doesn't take a vacation, people. 1. My cat Thelma for attempting to kill my dog again. It'...
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It's like 101 Dalmatians except there's no dalmationsor dalmation puppies and we're not in London butthere is a Cruella DeVil kind of or maybe it's morelike Silence of the Lambs with hairballs

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 15, 2009, 6:18 pm
I wasn't going to do an entry tonight, but I have decided that I am going to start documenting the insanity around my house with these animals. I know you all have read my bitching and complaining...
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At one point I thought I heard Jesus calling me home,but it was just a hospital clerk wanting my insuranceinformation

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 12, 2009, 3:44 pm
Did you all miss me? Yes, I was gone for a few days. I was actually in the hospital. How dramatic is that? I am fine. Everything is fine. I just got out today and have been busy washing all of the adh...
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I think I need to go to rehab for my addiction to chartsand graphs, oh and that whole stabbing thing

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 10, 2009, 3:41 pm
I get asked all the time how my rabies is doing so I decided to make this chart. Now when I'm asked I can just point to the current danger level on the chart. Of course if I'm in level red I a...
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In a perfect world there would be no Stab Lists andI would be with George Clooney laughing at all thesimple people with their problems while sippingchampagne on his yacht

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 9, 2009, 4:56 pm
I know you have all been anticipating Monday’s Stab List so without further ado: 1. The South Carolina Department of Transportation that closed down a major road, blocked it off, and put one detour...
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Feelings. Nothing more than feelings.

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 7, 2009, 4:50 pm
I woke up with a headache and a full blown case of rabies this morning so I called J and told him I would be staying home. The animals have taken turns driving me insane. I swear to God I live in a fu...
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My rabies won't let me think of a witty title for this postbut if I was feeling better I am pretty sure it wouldhave been brilliant

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 4, 2009, 6:51 pm
It's been a boring day and while driving home from work I thought I'd stop at the grocery store and get stuff to make myself a breakfast dinner. I love breakfast for dinner. Anyway, here are s...
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Crazy Ass Neighbor Update

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 3, 2009, 6:02 pm
That's right. My crazy ass neighbor has moved her couch out into her yard. It does not appear that it was moved to the curb for garbage pick up. It seems more that it was placed there so she can s...
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If you saw me out in public I would appear completelycalm and normal, you'd never know that the musicfrom the shower scene in Psycho plays on a constantloop inside my head

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 2, 2009, 4:28 pm
It's Monday Stab List time and even though I lost an hour with this Daylight Savings thing, I never lost wanting to stab most of the people I came in contact with. I do try to shorten my list to t...
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I like making late Sunday entries so that you all willhave something to read Monday morning. If youread this late Sunday then your Monday is justgoing to suck now isn't it?

Laura S. posted an article on - Nov 1, 2009, 6:16 pm
I actually had things to do this weekend that took me away from the Internet. So maybe I won't taunt and make fun of you non-weekend commenting people anymore. Yeah, right. Not a chance. So I th...
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Happy Halloween

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 31, 2009, 12:20 pm

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The Fetch My Flying Monkeys Ultimate ZombieApocalypse Survival Chainsaw Giveaway Winner

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 31, 2009, 7:12 am
Congratulations Tuesday! You now have a better chance of surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. Please email me at laura at fetchmyflyingmonkeys dot com with your choice of prizes--the chainsaw, or an Amazo...
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I know everyone is out watching the new MichaelJackson movie so I am just going to post a few ofmy Twitter series, which pales in comparison tomoonwalking but what the hell

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 30, 2009, 6:15 pm
The Murderous Asshole Animals educational series is continuing in Twitter. I'm going to post some in here in case there are some folks that are afraid of Twitter. I should be. My account was hijac...
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This is kind of a ranting PSA, but I want you to alsonotice how often I work into entries that I own aniPhone because us iPhone users are douchey that way

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 29, 2009, 4:40 pm
I had this added to the notes on my iPhone because I kept forgetting it when I wrote my Stab Lists on Mondays, but this really needs its own post. People that marinate themselves in perfume or colog...
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Someone requested a list of all of my imaginaryboyfriends but that list would be too long so Ishortened it to the top ten, enough to proveI am an imaginary WHORE

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 28, 2009, 5:23 pm
My Top 10 Imaginary Boyfriends I should say The Top 10 as of today's date. All are subject to change at any moment, excluding #1. He's permanent. Call me, George Clooney. 1. George Clooney 2...
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Sometimes I think only assassins get completesatisfaction from their jobs...oh, and snipers

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 27, 2009, 5:05 pm
I've had it. This 9-5 shit just isn't for me. I've thought it out and decided that I need to take my life in a new direction. But what do you do when you have no discernible talents or amb...
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The French have better shipping boxes than we do,also I have to venture into Baby World aka "Hell"and Steve Jobs is still a thief

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 17, 2009, 9:46 am
I know you all thought I was lying to you yesterday about opening boxes from France so here's proof. This is my French package from France that arrived yesterday: I almost couldn't open my Fr...
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If I were to write my memoirs it would just be pageafter page of doodles of me in knife fights withcurse bubbles

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 15, 2009, 5:17 pm
  I am exhausted after my emotional roller coaster yesterday. I would like to thank all those who supported me during one of my darkest hours. And to the ones who didn't (DUANE and GARGS), ...
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I've run through my entire gamut of emotions todayand I have pie charts to prove it

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 14, 2009, 2:45 pm
Every morning I listen to the CBS News before I go to work. This morning as I was getting sleep crud out of the corner of my eyes I heard "Actor George Clooney moves in Italian girlfriend and gives he...
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It's like I'm homeschooling with all these charts and graphs and facts except I don't get the satisfactionof whaling on your asses when you act up in class

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 13, 2009, 4:53 pm
It has been a busy day. A busy day, but I have found time to continue educating you people because that's what I do. I am a people person and besides, I can run something into the ground harder th...
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One day soon I will be making "Who I Will Not Stab"lists because they will be shorter

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 12, 2009, 4:26 pm
It's Monday so it's time for my Stab List. My dream is to one day not have anyone or anything on this list. I don't think that's ever going to happen. 1. The man that coughed on me in...
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This will probably be his last "Audition Photo Session"because he's out of wigs and this means I'll have tostart coming up with real content for my blog ormaybe I'll just start dressing up the cats

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 11, 2009, 4:06 pm
So he didn't get the part in CSI: Miami as "Dead Hooker Number 3." And he didn't get an audition for Law and Order: Special Victims Unit as "The OD'ed Junkie Whore." But I'm not givi...
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I slept so much today I thought I had bedsores,but those just turned out to be crushed Cheetos

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 10, 2009, 4:37 pm
I'm kind of pissed that I did all that "You must weekend blog" thing. I totally understand why politicians have a hard time standing behind their promises. I need to go all political here and just...
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Kanye wants his prize

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 9, 2009, 8:35 pm

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If I had a fleet of flying monkeys at my commandthe world would be covered in human "stuffing"

Laura S. posted an article on - Oct 1, 2009, 8:04 pm
What the hell do you say when someone comes up to you all excited and says "OH! OH! I know it's not your birthday, but I saw something and it was so YOU that I had to get it and give it to you!" A...
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Sometimes when I am at work I wonder what I woulddo if a disgruntled worker came in with a gun. Would Ihide under my desk or point people out for them?

Laura S. posted an article on - Sep 30, 2009, 4:54 pm
I got an email this morning from my manager. I can't make it a jpg. Most of it had to be blacked out because of confidential work shit and names, and to resize it made it unreadable. So here's...
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My lists are shorter not because there are fewerpeople I want to stab but because I am gettinglazier at making lists

Laura S. posted an article on - Sep 29, 2009, 6:30 pm
That little plaque hangs by my desk here at home. It's a nice sentiment, but I don't pay attention to it much because most days the only thing that would make me happy is to stab someone. And ...
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When you blog and comment on other blogs on theweekends you are justly rewarded with smugness

Laura S. posted an article on - Sep 28, 2009, 6:16 pm
I was having so much fun over at Two Nervous Dogs that I almost forgot to blog. Oh, I'm sorry; you can't see it can you? Well, that's because she's locked out everyone who played the "...
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A second Sunday entry because I don't go aroundpretending my weekends are just like a commercialfor a cruise line

Laura S. posted an article on - Sep 27, 2009, 4:33 pm
Yes, two entries in one day, and a Sunday at that. I'm such a giver. Speaking of giving, my educational series of facts continues. It will continue until I run out of old pictures, facts or just g...
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Steve Jobs is stealing from me and when I prove itI am going to slap that new liver right out of him

Laura S. posted an article on - Sep 27, 2009, 8:22 am
I always keep money in my iTunes account just in case I must have the new Miley Cyrus song or the latest iFart application. EVERY TIME I go to purchase something my balance is smaller than I think it ...
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I love my iPhone so much that I even thought abouttaking it to Kmart for portraits like those women dowith their kids

Laura S. posted an article on - Sep 26, 2009, 2:56 pm
So I've been having insomnia lately and this morning after waking up at three a.m. I went into the living room to lay on the couch and watch some television, well infomercials really. So I fell ba...
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