Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
May 18, 2011, 5:00 am
This incident involving my dinosaurs occurred Monday evening. The following is an accurate account of the incident to the best of my recollection.
Â
The Incident
One of my friends "just happened to be in the neighborhood and decided to stop in to say hello." After a few minutes of pleasantries ... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
May 17, 2011, 5:25 am
One of the ladies in my posse missed going to the goat farm the other week. She became consumed with goat envy after seeing my pics and cried until we promised to take her. So we plan on going back this coming Saturday, May 21st. Today I found out that that's the same day Jesus is supposed to come b... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
May 16, 2011, 5:19 am
I went to heat up my lunch one day at work last week. We have two microwave ovens in the breakroom. The newer one is extremely weak, like taking 10 minutes to melt cheese weak, so I always use the larger, older one. I put my bowl of she-crab soup on the turntable and placed a paper towel over it for... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
May 13, 2011, 5:07 am
Â
I think I'm going to die. Yeah, I know everyone will eventually die, but I'm talking soon. For my birthday I ate "normal" food, and by "normal" food I mean carbs. Then the next day a friend at work wanted to buy me a belated birthday lunch so I choose more "normal" food. I got another calzone th... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
May 12, 2011, 5:20 am
Â
The other day J called while I was blogging.
J: "What are you doing?"
Laura: "Blogging. Oh hey, tell me the rules on hyphens. I'm writing and I think this needs hyphens but I'm not certain."
J: "Well, the rules are kinda muddy. Numbers like fourty-four are hyphenated. Words like ex-wife and... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
May 11, 2011, 5:00 am
Today's my birthday. So far no one has even really mentioned my birthday and by no one I mean J. Starbucks sent me a coupon for a free drink. That's it. Last week I said "Next Wednesday is my birthday" and J said "I know." That's been it. Maybe I called him a "freedom hating Nazi" too many times. I ... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
May 10, 2011, 5:00 am
Sunday my right ear started feeling funny again. You know, like the last time when I thought there was a bug in it. And I thought to myself "Laura, you thought it as a bug the last time and you ran to the doctor and it was an ear infection brought on by allergies, so it's not a bug now. It. Is. Not.... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
May 8, 2011, 11:06 am
In honor of Mother's Day Weekend I spent yesterday with a bunch of kids.
One even tried to eat my shirt.
You would already know this if you friended me on Facebook, but what you wouldn't know is this fucker tried to murder me:
And these Guinea Birds just watched:
But I didn't mind the attempted ... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
May 6, 2011, 5:01 am
Â
Â
It's Your Birthday, George Clooney!
Â
A Birthday Poem of Love and Perseverance by Laura Ledford
Â
Â
Happy Birthday George Clooney, it's the big FIVE-O
Another year went by and you're still with that HO
But this isn't about her, it's all about you
And me wishing you'd dump that skank and... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 29, 2011, 5:26 am
I brought my outdoor cat Tinks, the serial killer, into the house Thursday morning because a badass storm was coming and even the sunroom didn't seem safe. She doesn't particularly like being in the house and I was kind of apprehensive about leaving her in all day, but I knew she was familiar with t... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 28, 2011, 5:15 am
I am completely addicted to beauty products. And it's not because I'm one of those girly-girl prissy things either. It must be because I grew up watching TV and being bombarded with commercials that said if you bought the right product your life would be filled with joy and happiness. When I grew u... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 27, 2011, 5:02 am
I had my yearly cardiology appointment the other day. I see a cardiologist because, as I said before, I technically "died" during, and after, a non-cardiac surgery and they had to jump-start my heart a few times. I love telling people I died before, but I don't like giving details. Most people will ... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 26, 2011, 5:25 am
I go to work very early in the morning, so early it's always dark. I also drive through one of the seediest neighborhoods in the city of Columbia. There are two government housing projects side by side and then across the street from those are dumpy little crackhouses. Every morning I pass what I ca... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 25, 2011, 5:20 am
Friday I read an article about how Apple is gathering information from their users' iPhones to build databases capable of pinpointing people's locations via their cellphones. This is freaking people out.
Transmission of location data raises questions about who has access to what could be sensiti... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 22, 2011, 5:47 am
I was watching the Discovery channel and apparently they were having a special like "Shark Week" except it was "Wild Hog Week." It was about feral pigs and how they're taking over the Southern United States. To make matters worse, some dumbasses brought some huge, mean Russian hogs over and set them... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 21, 2011, 5:21 am
I got that calzone I've been promising myself at the Mellow Mushroom Wednesday for lunch because I was sad that I didn't get to meet Jack Hanna and I figured I'd fill the void in my soul with a carb-filled mushroom and cheese calzone the size of my head. I ate half of it at the restaurant and had th... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 20, 2011, 5:14 am
Know how you ruin a great adventure? Brag about it before you go. That's right. I was all "Look at me! I'm meeting Jack Hanna! Look at me! I'm going to be petting owls and eagles! I'm so special!" Then God sent a few dozen tornadoes to smite my plans. Our flight got cancelled due to all kinds of hel... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 19, 2011, 5:51 am
Not only was my vacation a bust, but my damn Internet is down again but should be fixed later tonight, at least I hope that's what my new fiance "Henry" the technical support guy said. To make matters worse, I am posting this from my iPhone and it keeps auto-correcting my curse words into senseless ... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 15, 2011, 5:00 am
You know what I find mind-blowingly amazing? You guys. Yeah, I'm serious. It blows my mind that you all like my blog and my crazy-ass ramblings and renderings and then you comment, filling the hole in my attention whore soul. Damn. I swear I would hug every last one of you if my hypochondriac mind d... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 14, 2011, 5:20 am
Hot bacon grease exploded into my eye earlier. That's what I get for cooking bacon old-school. Well that, and I'm pretty certain Satan had a hand in it. It hurt like a motherfucker too. I rendered y'all a drawing of the incident:
Yes, even with 50% vision loss I managed to render a drawing and blog... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 13, 2011, 5:10 am
Manager: "Laura, will you decorate the wall for Easter this month? I think there are Easter decorations from last year in the supply closet."
Me: "No one likes my artistic visions. They always complain."
Manager: "Well, maybe you can leave out the spider this time."
Me: "Or maybe they can decorat... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 11, 2011, 5:15 am
It's Sunday night and I need to get to bed but I'm addicted to watching TLC on Sundays. First there was a marathon of Hoarders and now there's a show called Sister Wives about a polygamist with four wives and thirteen kids. It's a wacky situation and illegal to boot so now the law is investigating, ... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 8, 2011, 5:10 am
You may have noticed that I added a new category called "Fuck You, Satan" because not only does my blog need more archives and categories because just having the whole right column filled isn't enough, but I've decided to blame Satan for everything bad that happens instead of the French and of cours... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 7, 2011, 5:10 am
The toilet seat in my Hobbit bathroom has been broken for a few weeks now. The metal hinge thingie just went SNAP! one day. How did this happen you ask? Satan. Here's a picture of it:
I'm just going to skip past the question of why the hell I have a wooden toilet seat and go straight to the fact th... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 6, 2011, 5:00 am
We had a killer-ass storm hit us last night and I lost power. Also, the cable technician never showed up and my Internet is still a mess so I guess I really did agree to marry "John" the customer service guy in New Delhi. I heard engaged women like to sit around and plan their weddings; clipping mag... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 4, 2011, 5:00 am
I've had intermittent Internet at best all weekend, which would be okay except I wanted to watch Black Swan on Amazon because the thought of a psycho ballerina is just too awesome to miss. I broke down and called my cable company's technical support somewhere in New Delhi and as soon as "John" picke... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Apr 1, 2011, 5:10 am
It's April 1st and for April Fool's Day I was going to do an entry saying I was going to stop blogging because it hasn't made me rich and I haven't gotten a book deal but I'm pretty sure by now y'all know I rely completely on gambling for my wealth, and it's not like I'm a semi-retarded "guido" on a... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 31, 2011, 5:15 am
I've been on this low-carb diet, "The Hell Diet" as I refer to it, for three months now. The most amazing thing about it is you really do lose your hunger. I mean, I still dream about pasta and Cheetos and Circus Peanuts and sometimes when I'm stopped at a traffic light and I look over and see a kid... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 30, 2011, 5:12 am
Last week I bought four lottery tickets because there were two lotteries and they were giving away a gazillion dollars on each one. The drawings were this past weekend and I didn't win a penny and that really sucks because I really thought I'd win. As a matter of fact, my retirement plan is solely b... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 29, 2011, 5:37 am
On my drive home I turned on the radio, something I rarely do, and they were talking about Japan's nuclear power plants still getting overheated and still in danger of leaking all over the place. "Damn," I thought, "wasn't it radiation that created Godzilla? I really need to speed up my preparingÂ... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 28, 2011, 5:10 am
It is Sunday night and it's late and I haven't buried my dead hooker yet. But it's cooler here than it has been so hopefully the dead hooker stain in the back seat won't be too bad. Note to self: Clean out the trunk.
I wanted to post because today my arch-nemesis was once again at the grocery store... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 25, 2011, 5:20 am
I generally throw up a list on Friday. Usually by Friday a lot of people lose interest in reading blogs because they're too busy planning their weekend of binge drinking and sordid scandalous activities, what some like to call "Family Time." Then by Monday, after they sober up, bury the dead hooker ... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 24, 2011, 5:20 am
I've been in a pissy mood lately so I stayed away from the blog for a few days because I hate to rant and spew my rage rabies because when you're over it you look back and think "Goddamn, that's psychotic, I really need anger management." Oh, and ever notice when you get all mad and fed up you start... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 21, 2011, 5:17 am
I spent the weekend cleaning out my spare room because every time I walked in there I felt like I was part of an episode of Hoarders. Of course this started a chain reaction of spring cleaning other areas so now I'm in a full blown cleaning mode. That happens less frequently than a lunar eclipse so ... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 20, 2011, 9:40 am
Jack harvested Mister Mooey's organs without permission. I know for a fact Mister Mooey did not check "organ donor" on his driver's license. This is why I sleep with one eye open. Well, this and Thelma's constant attempt to smother me by laying on my head. If they ever partner up, I'm a goner. Murde... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 18, 2011, 5:00 am
Stupid Things That Have Made Me Sad This Week That Have Nothing To Do With Japan Or The Middle East Or The Economy Friday Crap List
1. I can't remember what Circus Peanuts taste like.
2. It's spring and spring here in the South lasts like one week and soon summer will be here and it will be hotte... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 17, 2011, 5:04 am
Â
It's St. Patrick's Day and I'm Irish and by law I should be drunk but the last time I drank was last Friday when Japan had that horrible earthquake and tsunami and I thought I had a roach in my ear only to find out it was an ear infection. I was with my friend Richelle and we decided to have a f... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 16, 2011, 5:13 am
What the hell, people? I tell you I'm not feeling well, even go to the doctor, and I don't blog for TWO days AND NOT ONE OF YOU SONSABITCHES ASKED ABOUT ME. I would think by now y'all would know that I don't blog for money or fame, I blog because I'm a big ol' attention whore. And apparently part of... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 13, 2011, 10:31 am
We went to Calabash North Carolina to eat, then back down to Myrtle Beach South Carolina to shop at the outlet malls.
Then we went to Medieval Times to sexually harass the knights.
It's been a great weekend. Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 11, 2011, 4:15 am
Yesterday my right ear started hurting. Nothing severe, just a small ache. Then I started feeling a little light-headed so I took some allergy medicine and it felt better. Last night it started to become bothersome again. I started thinking about that House episode where Dr. House pulled a roach out... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 10, 2011, 4:20 am
It's been almost two weeks since my posse and I went out of town. Yes, I have decided to call them "my posse" because it sounds cooler than "my two traveling friends." So anyway, we're going to Calabash North Carolina this weekend. It's my job to pick the restaurants because now I'm a big ole'Â baby... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 9, 2011, 4:25 am
Some friends and I were sitting around talking the other day at lunch and someone said something about winning the lottery and what they would do with the money. Ever notice whenever someone mentions winning the lottery it seems everyone starts detailing what they would do with their earnings? One b... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 8, 2011, 4:28 am
So I got my new coffee maker on Friday and on Saturday I was on my second pot of coffee when I flipped the channel to some show about tuberculosis. They were talking about some dude who had the deadly strain and had spread it all over the place and gave it to a lot, like thousands, of innocent bysta... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 7, 2011, 4:20 am
One of my friends gave me a coffee maker Friday. This is the very first coffee maker I have ever owned. Seriously. Being on a low-carb diet, I recently discovered the wonderful sweetness of an iced (I don't like hot drinks) latte with sugar-free hazelnut syrup, heavy cream, and Splenda from Starbuck... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 5, 2011, 7:10 am
Friday my manager told me that certain people were complaining about the spider "being used in EVERY holiday decoration" and they were "complaining" that the spider "was stupid and had nothing to do with the holidays" and how the spider "should be packed away with the Halloween decorations." Blah, ... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 4, 2011, 4:23 am
 Friday List of Random Crap
1. When celebs get all full of themselves, partake in self-destructive behavior, and boohoo to the world how fucking hard they have it, I want to force them to live my life for a few months. I want them to be forced to go to an office job day after day after day after d... Comment - Like
Laura S. posted an article on
Fetch My Flying Monkeys
-
Mar 2, 2011, 4:10 am
This incident involving my dinosaurs occurred Tuesday after I came home from work. The following is an accurate account of the incident to the best of my recollection.
Â
The Incident
"JACK! What do you have?"
No response.
"JACK! Come here! Bring it to me."
No response.
"Give it here, Jack!"
... Comment - Like
Recent Discussions
