Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Feb 6, 2012, 10:43 pm
We’ve realized at this late stage of the Republican primaries that we’ve taken a swing at all the remaining candidates at one point or another.  Mitt Romney got smacked down by Tag Larkin back in 2008.  We recently slapped Newt Gringich around for that time his press secretary wrote something ...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Feb 5, 2012, 1:45 pm
Ninja Vicki appears in my kitchen with a clipboard.  That’s what ninjas do.  One moment there’s no ninja, the next BAM!  Ninja.  I’m used to it. “I need you to sponsor me for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure out by the park next week,”  says Ninja Vicki. “I didn’t know you w...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jan 28, 2012, 10:40 am
Unlike the rest of the time when I don’t post, I have a good reason not to post anything for the next day or so: today’s my birthday. And with birthdays for members of Portuguese Intelligence comes great responsibility.  I will be out in the field, combing the city on an important mission: dri...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jan 26, 2012, 7:41 pm
So it’s Australia Day today.  Yes, we celebrate Australia Day here at Renal Failure because our number one fan Nursemyra lives there, and that’s about all we know about Australia Day, or Australia.  No, we know a few other things, like Kylie Minogue’s from Australia too. Anyway, we’re goi...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jan 19, 2012, 11:26 pm
Right… so we haven’t posted in a while.  No, we didn’t black-out to protest that bill that will kill the Internet.  We just got distracted during a stretch where nothing in the news triggered the right kind of rage. But things have been happening since we last posted, so let’s bring you u...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Oct 24, 2011, 10:54 pm
So Mikka just got fired from his job at the Lo Mein Noodle factory that he got last year.  Not laid off, fired, so no unemployment’s coming his way.  Apparently Mikka missed some mandatory company culture seminar because he was actually doing his job and not wasting his time in useless meetings....
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Oct 22, 2011, 7:12 pm
You’d think during hard economic times that there’d be an increase in supervillainy, but a nefarious plots for world domination take a lot of initial capital to get off the ground (literally in some cases) and the shadow banks that provide investments to supervillains aren’t making as many loa...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Oct 17, 2011, 11:42 pm
“The average age of a US video game player today is 37,” Mikka says to me as we get some last games of Marvel vs. Capcom 3 in before the new Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 comes out and renders it obsolete.  Bastards… used to be you got a full year in with a fighting game you had to shell out m...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Oct 10, 2011, 11:55 pm
Last year, Regular Renal reader and member of the Trent Lott Posse Daisyfae came up with a line of clothing called “The Lazy Cougar,” consisting of, in her words, ” …crotchless sweatpants? Bulky, fuzzy boots – left unzipped.  Velour tops that zip up the front – with a built in front-hoo...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Oct 7, 2011, 12:26 am
Contrary to rumors that may or may not have been circulating around the Interwebs, I’m not out occupying Wall Street or any other street. The only thing I’ve been occupying is my time with bullshit, which keeps me from posting regularly.  And sometimes I occupy a bar stool and drink until I can...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Sep 28, 2011, 12:35 am
“Hey Doug,”  I say.  “Is there a way to discuss the specific differences between the 1978 version of I Spit on Your Grave vs. the 2010 remake without sounding abnormally creepy?” “I don’t think so,” says Anonymous Doug. “Good, that will save me a lot of effort in trying not to be...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Sep 15, 2011, 10:35 pm
“I had a horrible thought this past week,”  I say. “Horrible in a general sense, or horrible for you?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Because your threshold for horribleness is a bit skewed compared to the national average.” “It’s about the 10-year anniversary of 9/11,”  I say.  ...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Sep 13, 2011, 2:59 pm
It’s no secret that we like beer here at Renal Failure. I consider myself a beer snob with a predilection toward darker beers, though I don’t care for IPA’s because I don’t care for overly hoppy beers. I enjoy finding weird little beers and giving them a try, most of it depending on how clev...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Sep 12, 2011, 9:47 am
Because our feelings about the 10-year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks aren’t any different than our feelings from the 9-year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, we’re reposting last year’s post on the topic. Enjoy. *** We didn’t put up a post on 9/11 so I guess that makes us bad Americans, o...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Sep 1, 2011, 1:26 pm
We got hit with Hurricane Irene here at the Failure this past weekend.  Nothing damaged, nothing flooded, no power outages at my place.  Mainly I used it as an excuse to drink alone and not get dressed for an entire weekend, which is how many of my weekends go anyway but at least this time I could...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Aug 15, 2011, 5:50 am
So we already dealt with Where Not to Take a Girl, now we turn our attention to its accompanying article “5 Dates No Guy Wants to Go on.”  And we’re letting Ninja Vicki and Avonia the Wiccan Pimp handle this, a strange duo to get dating advice from considering Avonia has been married for a nu...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Aug 14, 2011, 1:56 am
Relationships.  We remember what they were like.  But to keep that memory fresh we read up on relationship columns on the Internet.  Well, mainly ones other people find then post to their Facebook page and then we see them and destroy them, like this article last May about “31 Things I Wish I K...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Aug 10, 2011, 4:45 pm
Ninja Vicki and Tina the Lesbian are at the mall, shopping for yoga pants.  Well, Tina was shopping for yoga pants, Vicki was just stealing them because she’s a ninja. She doesn’t even wear yoga pants, I think she just wants them because she can take them.  Anyway, they stopped over at the foo...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Aug 6, 2011, 12:33 am
I’ve been cranky lately.  Big surprise.  Anyway… As a society I don’t think we call out stupid bullshit committed by expecting parents enough, as if impending breeding is a reason to let ridiculous things slide.  Case in point: Facebook will now let you add your unborn children to your fri...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jul 25, 2011, 11:50 pm
Well, it looks like this is a good week to be gay.  Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is being repealed, allowing gays to serve openly in the US military, and New York’s gay marriage law went into effect to the sounds of hundreds of gay feet running to the altar or the courthouse or wherever else you can ...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jul 18, 2011, 5:56 am
So Anonymous Doug and I are still out along the side of the street waiting for the SlutWalk to begin.  He’s about halfway through his first case of beer and I’m working my IV drip of rum pretty good.  Working a pretty good buzz at 10am isn’t easy, especially when you have a whole afternoon a...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jul 17, 2011, 11:56 am
I’m walking down the street and I see Anonymous Doug sitting in a lawn chair by the side of the road with a cooler of beer next to him. “I think you missed the Fourth of July parade,”  I say. “I’m not here for that,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “I’m waiting for the SlutWalk.” Now ...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jul 15, 2011, 11:17 am
Renal Readers, whether you be newcomers to the Failure or seasoned veterans, welcome to Renal Failure’s 1,700th post.  To celebrate, let’s bring up some favorite posts (listed in no particular order) of our first year of blogging that very few people saw because it wasn’t on WordPress yet, it...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jul 14, 2011, 5:00 pm
Our blogging and improv colleague Lora had some insightful things to say about the Casey Anthony trial bullshit (which the TV news whores still see fit to vent their bile about), and she pointed out something we at the Failure didn’t know  about America’s Most Hated Woman (because we didn’t f...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jul 11, 2011, 10:59 pm
“I’ve got a question about wedding toast etiquette,”  says Tina the Lesbian. “Why ask me?”  I say.  “I’ve never been married, nor given a toast at a wedding, nor am I likely to do any of these things in the future.” “Because you like having the answers to questions haven’t b...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jul 10, 2011, 12:13 pm
“Did you follow any of this Casey Anthony stuff on the news?”  I say. “No, because I have better things to do with my time, like being a ninja,”  says Ninja Vicki. “I didn’t either, but the day of the not guilty verdict my damn Facebook erupted with all sorts of wails and howls of in...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jun 30, 2011, 10:41 pm
*blink* *blink* “What the fuck did I just watch?”  I say. Turns out I was watching a viral ad campaign for Summer’s Eve.  Yeah, the douche people.  They’re trying to be relevant again by doing this campaign where they’re trying to get people to say “That’s Vaginal!” instead of �...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jun 28, 2011, 11:21 pm
The Empire State Building will not gay marry you… the Empire State Building just wants to be friends… So New York just legalized gay marriage, and my instinct is to check in with Tina the Lesbian but I don’t because I remember that she’s trying to be dignified with her enjoyment of gay marr...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jun 22, 2011, 6:30 pm
So there’s this story about a 68-year old quantum physics professor from New York that got busted for running a huge online prostitution ring in New Mexico, but I feel the media is ignoring an important angle of this tale.  So I go to the only person I know who can provide this key point of view....
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jun 21, 2011, 11:31 pm
Here at Renal Failure we’re not necessarily known for a lot of things.  One of them is tact, another is cooking well.  So we decided to remedy this issue by scouring the Internet for help with our lack of cooking skills. Tina the Lesbian has found a cooking show that she finds adorable… My Dr...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jun 20, 2011, 11:37 pm
So Redbook had this recent tidbit called “5 Outfits Guys Secretly Hope You’ll Wear,” and seeing how I wasn’t consulted on the matter I decided to check their work, with some help from the other guys I know who also weren’t consulted by the Redbook people.  And we decided to do this while ...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jun 16, 2011, 6:46 pm
Considering my experience with summer camps is a mixed bag of joyous rambunctious activity and soul-scarring mental trauma, my opinion on the topic is best represented by a shoulder shrug and brisk change of subject.  But I do know this: if you send your kids to a Tea Party summer camp, they are ju...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jun 9, 2011, 5:19 am
“When a woman, whether she’s a wife, a lover, or a slave you’ve purchased to be a wife or lover, leaves you repeatedly… take the hint.” -Rygel from the TV show Farscape. They’re not screwing up, they’re doing exactly what they planned to do. -rf Watch Forest Whitaker shoot down two r...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jun 8, 2011, 6:11 am
Joss Whedon is Christianity’s Greatest Monster, and probably the greatest monster of a few other things too. Anonymous Doug was a squatter in one of the seven houses that John McCain wasn’t aware he owned. Ninjas do not leave warning letters.
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jun 7, 2011, 6:48 pm
Hey, remember that one congressman earlier this year that e-mailed pictures of himself with his shirt off to a woman on the Internet who was not his wife?  Remember when we said we happy he didn’t mail pictures of his junk? Yeah, well some other dumb-ass congressman got caught sending shirtless ...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jun 7, 2011, 5:00 am
More from the summer of 2008… Samurai Cathy and Mikka can’t get married until Mikka learns how to properly avenge Samurai Cathy’s death. When you have a dream about one of your parents being a winged centaur creature, please don’t write about it in an opinion column for the Washington Post...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jun 6, 2011, 5:44 am
More from August of ’08… Samurai Cathy meets Tina the Lesbian.  It’s not as sexy as it sounds. To lower the rising cost of gas, Psycho Dave wants to drill my mom for oil. I came up with some helpful tips to watching the Summer Olympics.  They involve drinking to excess. Tag Larkin is a p...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - Jun 5, 2011, 12:16 pm
I haven’t felt very creative this week so here’s some posts you might have missed the first time around… Crimson Paraplegic vs. Dr. Platonic… not quite the epic matchup that they make summer blockbuster movies about. Tina the Lesbian learns how to play soccer from a drunk Irish hooligan, b...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - May 27, 2011, 5:02 am
Tuesday was Maru’s birthday.  He turned 4 years old. I forget when Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat’s birthday is, but he is not Maru so it doesn’t matter. Maru is joy.  Look at him! So Renal Failure is older than Maru (we will celebrate out 6th blog birthday in December).  That makes us feel o...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - May 25, 2011, 6:36 pm
I came to the conclusion long ago that I was not going to have children, a decision that is reinforced every time I see someone’s insipidly-saccharine Facebook status update about their kids being the ultimate joy in their lives.  I have a  similar reaction to when they post the same rubbish abo...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - May 22, 2011, 4:01 pm
“Do you feel disappointed that there was no rapturing or armageddoning this past Saturday?”  I say. “Not really,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I felt more disappointed when I found out that Adele was a white chick.” “Funny, I think I had the same feeling when I found out The Righteous Br...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - May 19, 2011, 7:45 pm
I have a low opinion of press secretaries as human beings, but I do however have a high opinion of their bullshitting abilities, because as a wild fabricator and outright liar myself I can appreciate on some level this postmodern art form that treats objective reality in the same way that the Black ...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - May 14, 2011, 12:52 pm
The news that Osama bin Laden had an extensive porn collection got me thinking.  Not of hypocrisy or of the seemingly universal need for men to crank it to hot naked women, but of something that should be of concern not just to me but to all who have their own secret smut collections. You need to ...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - May 10, 2011, 6:36 pm
I’m hanging out at the mall with Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, drinking gin and juice by the big water fountain.  Well, I’m drinking gin and juice.  Well, it’s gin but it is in a 32 oz Jamba Juice cup that Avonia had finished using and graciously donated to me so I could drink in public without be...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - May 9, 2011, 9:06 pm
“I noticed something weird,”  says Anonymous Doug. “Like how the majority of women’s fashion is geared toward the not-wearing  of socks?”  I say.  “Or at least the appearance of not wearing socks?” “No… but that is kind of strange,”  says Anonymous Doug. “Yeah, what is ...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - May 6, 2011, 5:06 am
Ninja Vicki arrives at our local park to find Tag Larkin standing on an actual soapbox, a stack of flyers in one hand, a megaphone in the other, and worse, an eager crowd gathering around him. “What the blue shit do you think you’re doing?”  Ninja Vicki says as she leaps down from the trees ...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - May 5, 2011, 5:33 am
Ninja Vicki is on my porch, indulging in a fresh Tom Collins highball and gloating about getting a significant percentage of our town to believe that her arch-nemesis Samurai Cathy is a radical Islamic communist wolf-woman whose vagina eats puppies.” “Oh, it was beautiful,”  says Ninja Vicki...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - May 4, 2011, 5:32 am
“I’m not sure we should do this,”  says Samurai Cathy, sitting with her boyfriend Mikka at a table in our local coffee shop. “Do you want to go through the rest of your life having people think you were born to wolves and that your vagina eats puppies?”  says Mikka.  “You want to get...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - May 3, 2011, 6:19 am
So as we last left off, Ninja Vicki got a rumor going around town that her nemesis Samurai Cathy has vestigial tail and was born to wolves.  And now Samurai Cathy is in the weird spot of trying to assert that she was indeed born to human parents. But ninjas are treacherous and Vicki has wormed the ...
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Mike B. posted an article on Renal Failure - May 2, 2011, 4:59 am
If you’ve followed this blog for a long time, you’re aware that Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy are mortal enemies, feuding all the way back to high school.  Not a normal high school feud, mind you, because they actively tried to kill each other.  But since Samurai Cathy started dating our mutua...
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