mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Sep 24, 2011, 11:52 pm
By Styles Cradgerock, Florida, ORLANDO- Who’d want to go and sit through another Republican 2012 Presidential Master Debate? But with The Serge off sick with Ebola and Barry Husein confined to his room again I drew the short chopstick and jetted off from Tokyo to sunny Orlando, Florida, to sleep t...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Sep 12, 2011, 7:20 pm
The following is a Director’s Cut of the 2012 Republican presidential debate on Sept. 7, 2011, in Simi Valley, Calif., as corrected by The Brutal Times. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES: 1 REP. RON PAUL, R-TEXAS 2 GOV. RICK PERRY, R-TEXAS 3 FORMER GOV. MITT ROMNEY, R-MASS. 4 REP. MICHELE BACHMANN, R-M...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Sep 8, 2011, 5:56 pm
By Grande Chef Otto, TRIPOLI – Because there was nothing else on we were stuck watching that revolution thingy in Libya? The one which should have been exciting since their dictator dresses like Michael Jackson and has more attitude than Snoop Doggie, but is actually a snore fest since now all the...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Sep 7, 2011, 11:48 pm
By The Serge, SIMI VALLEY – Doubt is a ballbreaker and most folks are filled with a crushing loneliness, according to a landmark Tweet, issued by prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies this morning. “I just dunno whut to believe,” echoed Jess Namet, 22, a great lover of social networking...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Jun 9, 2011, 1:51 pm
By Styles Cradgerock, THE HAGUE – The Hague’s newest catch, accused war criminal and Serbian general Ratko Mladic shocked followers on Twitter when he tweeted today: “I’m thinking of changing my name…to Rick or…maybe Slobodan.” Ratko has long complained in felt marker that folks with...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Jun 2, 2011, 3:49 pm
By DJ Salinger, BERLIN – Say the name Brahms and what comes to mind? Brahms, probably. But for die hard Brahms fans, the name Brahms has become synonymous with some of the world’s filthiest curse words. Know why? Brahms hasn’t put out an album since 1897. Irate Brahms fan Roy Unt, who wi...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - May 14, 2011, 4:43 pm
By Yves Dropper, The Holy City of Toronto, COLLEGE N’ ST. GEORGE STARBUCKS – So, two monks go into a Starbucks, sit down n’ bitch. Joined in progress - MONK 1: “So, breathing…could be like…what sex used to be like…previously.” MONK 2 nods in agreement. Later - On being a monk: ...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - May 12, 2011, 12:24 pm
By Grande Chef Otto, NEW YORK CITY – Mom hates it when kids get crumbs on the table. Know why? Mom’s had a long hard day and when she gets home she doesn’t need the aggravation. “I haaaaate it when they (the kids) get crumbs on the table,” confessed mom Caroline Nix, 40. “So when they...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - May 11, 2011, 1:34 pm
By El Toro, NEWARK – Newark, it sounds like New York, but it’s not. One of a number of busy U.S. hubs where people are petted down, Newark boasts long line-ups and stinky bathrooms. Don’t even think about ordering a sub to keep your jaws busy while you’re killing time waiting for your fligh...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - May 2, 2011, 11:19 am
By The Serge, TORONTO – U.S. President Barack Obama must have been kicking himself yesterday for his poorly-timed announcement celebrating the capture of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden. TV and Internet viewers quickly cut away from Obama’s speech last night to watch previously unreleased h...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - May 2, 2011, 10:39 am
By Styles Cradgerock,WASHINGTON – Vital edutainment from U.S. President Barack Obama’s speech last night, confirming the death of  Osama bin Laden was accidentally left on the White House cutting room floor, The Brutal Times has learned. The following is a Director’s Cut of the entire speech,...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Apr 28, 2011, 5:34 pm
By Business Jesus, Tokyo, GASPANIC SHIBUYA – Tokyo town criers sent tremors through this already much shock-rocked city early this morning when they confirmed what everybody already knew all along. Top models in Tokyo, Bahrain, and Moscow are staying thin by snorting cocaine. “I know a top mod...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Apr 26, 2011, 9:27 pm
By DJ Salinger, DEMOCRATIC PEOPLES’ REPUBLIC OF IKEA – Billy Corgan, founding father of Green Day and the Smashing Pumpkins, quit the Smashing Pumpkins yesterday, after fans complained the band’s Ikea performance was “about as exciting as waiting for a bus.” “The concert was about as ex...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Apr 25, 2011, 4:48 pm
By El Toro, PITTSBURGH – A 500-year-old book somebody found here the other day is really boring sources are telling the Brutal Times this morning. “I didn’t even open the book – just looking at it made me drool all over myself,” ejaculated Osama Bin Laden, 30, a tourist from Los Angeles. ...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Apr 21, 2011, 10:28 pm
By Yves Dropper, Toronto, COLLEGE STREET STARBUCKS - YOUNG FRIENDLY FEMALE STAFF MEMBER (sweeping up trash gathered at the Brutal Times galoshes): “People were especially using the floor as the garbage today.” BT: “That’s OK.” YFFSM, to CATATONIC PSYCHO DUDE ON COMFY CHAIR BY DOOR (sti...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Apr 21, 2011, 3:07 pm
By Grande Chef Otto, TORONTO – Employees don’t have to wash their hands anymore, thanks to a tiny blast of laissez-faire attitude stemming from last weeks’ Canadian federal election debate in a garage at CBC. Whatwhatwhat?!? Employees, especially those making the subs we chow down and king-s...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Apr 21, 2011, 2:15 pm
By Yves Dropper, Toronto, COLLEGE STREET STARBUCKS - Joined in progress – 3 young moms are talking, nodding in agreement. TALKING MOM: “…and he’s 3, and he already knows the f-word, and says things like, ‘I want to cut your head off.’” Must be a Montessori student. Tweet This Po...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Apr 21, 2011, 2:06 pm
By Eve Dropper, Toronto, RIVIERA BAKERY – Moms are moms. They have it hard. Livin’ in the city, livin’ it up, not givin’ it up they lay down the Ja Rules for all to see. Barf. Young mom to one of 3 kids aboot 4 years of age at her table: “It’s never good enough for you, is it?” T...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Apr 19, 2011, 11:37 am
By the Serge, NEW YORK CITY – Prestigious U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon has condemned, and is condemning, any country’s attempt to copy or illegally distribute Japan’s massive March 9.0 magnitude earthquake. “I’d prefer you use the word ‘tremblor’ as that sounds more exciting,”...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Apr 19, 2011, 10:57 am
By Styles Cradgerock, GUAM – Overshadowing Japan’s recent magnitude 9.0 earthquake and the U.S. Libyan humanitarian intervention, Canaduh’s 2011 federal election racheted up this morning when Billy, my neighbor and confidante, passed on something he had heard from someone someplace. Michael I...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Feb 27, 2011, 4:58 am
By Daemon Mailer, SAN FRANCISCO – Just like you and me, Apple head honcho Steve Jobs took a fresh body blow yesterday from the news of increased turmoil in the Middle East. With flotillas and vuvuzelas threatening to end the the world’s diverse peoples before we can ride the wave of globalizatio...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Feb 25, 2011, 9:41 pm
MG in 2010 By Daemon Mailer, Libya, TRIPOLI – Chief executives from classic rock social networking site MySpace met with Libya’s head honcho, Moammar Ghadafi at Denny’s this morning to hash out plans for a “full frontal” assault on rebel bases held by FaceBook and Twitter, the Brutal Time...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Feb 15, 2011, 8:22 am
By Smia Oots, TOKYO – Obama. Arcade Fire. Twitter. Your iPhone. FaceBooger. Social networking. Williamsburg. Tokyo. China. Egypt. Hillary “Hot” Rodham Clinton. Billiam Clinton. Eminem. Rihanna. Green Day. Sum 41. April the Wine. Toronto. Cock Blocker. Naoto Kan. Right wing ...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Jan 4, 2011, 9:06 am
By Grande Chef Otto, PITTSBURGH – Among the many exciting predictions for 2011, younger brother of famed predictor Nostradamus, Rob Nostradamus, says  more people across the globe will eat peanut butter and jam sandwiches this year than maybe at any other year in the history of the worlds’ dive...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Jan 4, 2011, 9:06 am
By Grande Chef Otto, PITTSBURGH – Among the many exciting predictions for 2011, younger brother of famed predictor Nostradamus, Rob Nostradamus, says  more people across the globe will eat peanut butter and jam sandwiches this year than maybe at any other year in the history of the worlds’ dive...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Nov 29, 2010, 9:17 am
By DJ Salinger, STOCKHOLM – Andy Warhol, CEO of WikiLeaks, released an hot treasure trove of hot leaks fresh off his new album, Hot Leaks, The Brutal Times has learned. And the hottest among them? Classical Composer spoilers. Warhol, speaking through hot spokesperson pert Canadian model Undo, 5...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Nov 24, 2010, 9:30 am
By Daemon Mailer, NEBRASKA – While most news organizations topple over themselves trying to report the same nonnews about North Korea attacking the South this evening, a far more exciting and razzle-dazzle thing has done happened, right underneath their noses, The Brutal Times has learned. Accord...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Nov 23, 2010, 8:12 am
By Drew Nerts, TOKYO – Being abroad warps a person. It changes you in ways your parents or brothers or sisters could never’ve imagined. Since I came to Japan from my native Cincinnati, I’ve changed so much I don’t even know which top hat I wear really defines me. I’ve come to own and love...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Nov 21, 2010, 4:16 am
By Styles Cradgerock, WASHINGTON – Boy, how the times have changed. Back in 2003, I was just another fresh face with chronic stomach pain trying to land an unpaid job at The Brutal Times when it was just a weekly free box of tissues handed out at my local car wash and yet another young guy by the...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Nov 14, 2010, 8:31 am
By Grande Chef Otto, CHICAGO – The great thing about chicken is it’s so versatile. It’s legal, in my mind, to do just about anything to a chicken, and if you’re not particularly religious or a clean freak of some sort, I’d recommend slipping out while the Google Street View’s not looking...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Nov 14, 2010, 6:05 am
By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – As Japan cannot fight back against evil China, a new plan for revenge, revenge of any sort, damnit, has taken shape during the hours of 9 – 5 in the back alleys sandwiched between green government offices and a delicious Chinese dumpling restaurant. Beginning November 16...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Nov 10, 2010, 10:05 am
By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON D.C. – Showing a flash of pizazz, U.S. President, the American Barack Obama has ordered that the U.S. military’s controversial “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, which requires that service members not ask or disclose their sexual orientation, be implemented in ...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Nov 9, 2010, 7:54 am
By Daemon Mailer, BOSTON – If you’re among the billions that are stricken with fear at losing their favorite shows due to the gargantuan mammoth called the Internet, you’re not alone. Indeed, a new report by prestigious Carribean think tank MyGoodies has revealed, and is continuing to reveal, ...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Nov 6, 2010, 10:43 pm
By Styles Cradgerock, TEXAS – Hot on the heels of the crushing body blow delivered to the U.S. President, the American Barack Obama by his party’s mid-term election upset, the question on everybody’s chapped lips is, “Will she run?” (“she” being Hillary, and “run” being for Mr. Oba...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Nov 4, 2010, 7:52 am
By DJ Salinger, TOKYO – Nothing sounds better than a great MP3. Am I right? The Japanese discovered this back in the ’80′s, when they discovered America, but now even the biggest losers are dumping their sad sack vinyl collections in the river and wearing their CDs instead of playing them. Go...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Nov 4, 2010, 7:12 am
By Smia Oots, CHICAGO – Chicago, home to America and America’s people. Lego, kites, dolphins? Barack Obama bought his iPhone there. I heard a bird chirping. When snow arrives in Chicago it stealthily sprinkles itself in peoples’ nostrils and makes them snowblind like in that Black Sabbath numb...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Oct 28, 2010, 8:59 am
By The Serge, HOLLYWOOD NORTH – Movie fans are famous for complaining that the producers of Hollywood’s biggest films have long since run out of ideas, but as the major studios get ready to battle at the box office this Halloween they may do well to hold onto their tongues and get ready for an e...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Oct 19, 2010, 9:11 am
By D.J. Salinger, BALTIMORE – Wiping his hands on the brim of his skintight jeans, Beatles’ front man Paul McCartney shocked a bunch of loitering black bloc anarchists patiently waiting for a bus, when he whispered at them, “I’ve got something that’ll really flip your lids, lads – The B...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Oct 19, 2010, 8:31 am
By Karl Hame III, Special to The Brutal Times – When I get home from life on the road I don’ t want to talk to nobody and I just keep wishin’ I was back in ‘Nam. Wait – no, that’s not it at all. I’m a kids’ mom, and when I get home from school I’m too tired to cook. I tried cook...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Aug 26, 2010, 10:07 am
By DJ Salinger, THE LOUVRE – Some people are caring this morning, as the prog rock art world’s most valuable sparkly treasure, the Geddy Leesa, has been reported lost, missing or stolen by its troll minder. “The troll responsible for minding the Geddy Leesa was instead found drunk under a bri...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Aug 15, 2010, 8:58 am
By Daemon Mailer, KEY WEST – In a classic double-cross, Satan will succeed former Black Flag vocalist Henry Rollins as CNN’s go-to gadget guy. After learning Mr. Rollins had sold his soul to get the plush CNN jobbie, former Rollins fans Twittered Satan to whine about it “so many times it reall...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Aug 13, 2010, 10:24 am
By DJ Salinger, LAS VEGAS – In a shockingly awesome turn of events, after months (years?) of extended refusal on the part of Led Zeppelin singer Robert Plant to rejoin the band, remaining Zeppelin members Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones finally figured out a way to sort of change his mind. “Ever...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Aug 12, 2010, 7:17 am
By Grande Chef Otto, NEW YORK CITY – Fans of Hogwarts are squirming more than they care to admit as town criers at Denny’s say J.R.R. Tolkien wrote a book about onion rings. “First of all, it’s not ‘Hogwarts – it’s Middle Earth,” whined Hogwarts fan Heather Bille, 50. “What’s mo...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Aug 12, 2010, 6:38 am
By Barry Hussein, TEL AVIV  – Embassy staff here are reeling from the discovery that a mysterious white powder found in an envelope sent to the embasssy is not cocaine. “We wanted to snort it so bad,” ejaculated Bismark Suffolk, 20, an immune diplomat who heard about the powder. “But they...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Aug 11, 2010, 9:35 am
By Ohashi Jozu, SHIMOKITAZAWA HILLS – Shimokitazawa, Tokyo. The summer of the American hipster. Black oversized chunky Williamsburger glasses leap from face to face, sucking all the shopping value out of a young Japonaise girl’s face and replacing it with…Ugly Betty! Espresso, Lat...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Jul 26, 2010, 12:28 pm
By Styles Cradgerock, YOUR MOMMA – Yes, thundercat!  Weekend war watchers all over the world (Florida?) are pee-oh’d this morning to find that WikiLeaks has leaked a whole slewload of spoilers aspoiling how the bumpin’ Afghan intervention is gonna end. Among the bombshells droppe...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Jun 19, 2010, 11:59 am
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Jun 19, 2010, 11:36 am
By Business Jesus, SUMMER – Yes, summer’s here and the time is right for humpin’ and thumpin’ on a Friday nite. But what about that job thingy? That one you was supposed to get, you know, to keep up your membership in the Skull & Bones social club, and so on? Well think no m...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Jun 2, 2010, 9:48 am
By Styles Cradgerock, SEOUL – People’ve got a tear in their beer over here as former buddies North and South Korea have ceased speaking, emailing , or chatting online. Oh no. Hot sweaty tensions were ratched up and ramped up Tuesday when the North, wearing only a thong and a backpack...
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mike s. posted an article on The Brutal Times - Apr 24, 2010, 10:27 am
Special to the Brutal Times, By Pam Haley – My sister’s too pushy. Boy, when she wants something, she’s the first one to tell ya. Like the other day, she calls me up on my mobular telephone and without even asking me how my day’s going or asking me about my probs, she’s...
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