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Oct 21, 2011, 10:31 pm
It’s big news: little Wang Yue Yue, the “two-year-old girl in southern China, who was run over by two vans and ignored by 18 passers-by”, has died. Every newspaper and television station in the world, it seems, has picked up the story. The thing is, most of them seem to have left a few points ... Comment - Like
my l. posted an article on
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Sep 27, 2011, 4:27 am
... is that Chinese people actually believe that this Kung Fu malarky is some kind of magical, ... dancing. No, not the Boxer Rebellion, although those idiots also believed that Kung Fu could best Enfield rifles by the ... and it was a three-hit contest – He hit the kung fu wallah, the kung fu... Comment - Like
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Sep 20, 2011, 9:18 pm
When it comes to air travel, I’m a trouble free traveller. Well, I like to think so at any rate. Certainly I keep my seatbelt securely fastened at all times, and I return the seat back and tray table to their upright positions at the correct times, and I turn off my mobile phone when instructed to... Comment - Like
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Sep 5, 2011, 3:43 am
I have a small confession to make. A small, but telling confession. It may shock some of you, and this is definitely not for small children. If you are easily shocked, or you is a small children, then look away now.
I’m that guy. You know, the guy who sings Eighties songs to himself on the plane.... Comment - Like
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Aug 26, 2011, 7:31 am
The Great Wall of China, formally known as the No. 1 Rabbit-Proof Fence, is a pest-exclusion fence constructed between 220BC and 206BC to keep rabbits and other agricultural pests out of Chinese pastoral areas. And, of course, to keep Chinese people out of the more culturally advanced lands to the n... Comment - Like
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Aug 23, 2011, 5:40 am
Chinese Schoolgirls: what’s not to like? Knee socks, short skirts, and the ones who can run faster than their uncles are still virgins!
Mind you, there’s a lot of competition these days – schoolgirls are amongst the most sought-after of all girls in China, with businessmen, Party officials an... Comment - Like
my l. posted an article on
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Aug 16, 2011, 10:50 pm
Having babies – what’s so fucking special about it? Women are forever bleating on and on about how they are better than men because only they can drop a litter of rug-rats, and how this somehow endows them with the ability to create a more compassionate world, and blah de fucking blah. Big whoop... Comment - Like
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Aug 12, 2011, 8:59 am
From the South China Morning Post:
The airport will close, roads are blocked, banks and public services have been suspended for four days, and helicopters can be seen hovering above 20,000 paramilitary police sent to every corner of Shenzhen.
Taking every precaution imaginable, Shenzhen will kick ... Comment - Like
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Aug 7, 2011, 10:50 pm
Well folks, it isn’t often that I am genuinely emotional, but you’ve managed to move me to tears, you really have. The MyLaowai Charity Appeal is proving to be a wonderful success, with thousands of names rolling in from across the globe. From your Adam’s and Abigail’s, through the Noel’s ... Comment - Like
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Aug 7, 2011, 1:10 am
The Chinese have been calling it a ‘Super Typhoon’. I call it ‘a normal day at the seaside in any normal country’. But, as usual, the international press have been buying into the story – hook, line, sinker, rod, reel, fisherman, and pier. The dozy, lazy fucks.
230,000 people evacuated in... Comment - Like
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Aug 1, 2011, 11:59 pm
Some people just have it easy, I guess. Take people from Britain (the only country that is Great), for example: there are hundreds of thousands of family names in use. Or the United States of Awesome (as they refer to themselves), which is home to even more, although I am the first to admit that som... Comment - Like
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Jul 26, 2011, 10:07 pm
The MyLaowai Webstore – Sale Now On!
Coupon Code: TooHot
Discount: 20% off the base price subtotal, no minimums
Coupon Code: forHoodies
Discount: 35% off the base price subtotal of $50+
Dates: Today, July 26 – Saturday, July 30
Disclaimer: Please enter coupon code TooHot OR forHoodies befo... Comment - Like
my l. posted an article on
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Jul 23, 2011, 11:37 am
Breaking News: One of China’s much-loved and very development high-speed ‘Harmonious‘ trains has just de-railed, whilst on a bridge. Either the train was copied badly (likely), or the rails were laid badly (probable), or the bridge was built badly (guaranteed). I am a bit worried about this ev... Comment - Like
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Jul 22, 2011, 12:49 am
Downstairs, near the entrance to my building, there is a pile of stinking, rotting, filthy garbage. Sometimes it opens the gate but usually it just sits there, sleeping, although it generally stirs thrice a day to eat a bowl of rice. Now, quite honestly I don’t care whether the gate guard is sleep... Comment - Like
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Jul 19, 2011, 4:35 am
Amid the flurry of activity from other countries laying claim to the vast reserves of the Arctic, no-one has noticed China’s claim.
Around the 15th Century, China of course not only circumnavigated the pole, on a daring sea journey led by famous explorer Po La, whose name was later used to name t... Comment - Like
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Jul 15, 2011, 11:22 am
Do you feel tired, listless, and depressed?
You must be Jiang Zemin.
(who hasn’t been dead since the middle of last year) Comment - Like
my l. posted an article on
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Jul 15, 2011, 4:44 am
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese m... Comment - Like
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Jul 9, 2011, 6:06 am
It takes the average human twenty fours hours to turn food into shit.
It takes the average Chinese cook less than twelve minutes to do the same. Comment - Like
my l. posted an article on
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Jul 8, 2011, 3:38 am
Living in China presents unique challenges. For me, one of those challenges is reading China Daily without dying of laughter.
Seriously, reading any media is always an exercise of filter the propaganda, read between the lines etc. But China Daily? OMG. Plagiarism, lies that stink to heaven and back... Comment - Like
my l. posted an article on
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Jul 1, 2011, 12:27 am
How does one go about describing doing business in China? I mean, really? Sure, there are all the obvious adjectives like “dishonest”, “shitty”, “dirty”, “filthy”, “corrupt”, “primitive”, “festering” and so on and so on. But whilst all those adjectives are certainly spot ... Comment - Like
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Jun 26, 2011, 7:47 pm
As anyone with several neural connections knows, China is a land of many, err, challenges. From an under supply of harmonicas, to an over supply of river mud crabs, we need to find creative and novel solutions. However, dealing with the, err, issues here is a difficult task being that they are so mu... Comment - Like
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Jun 22, 2011, 4:04 am
I’ve been on the road lately. Actually, the last few months have been a whirlwind of airports and planes and hotel rooms, and there just hasn’t been any time left over for this. Sorry about that. My apologies also to the people who have sent in Guest Posts – I will definitely put some of them ... Comment - Like
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May 15, 2011, 10:50 pm
The Moral Compass
I have this device called a Moral Compass. You probably do, too. Most of us have them, in fact. And they’re really useful things to have around – they sort of let us know what the right thing to do is, which is very handy in this crazy, mixed-up world.
But the problem is, Mor... Comment - Like
my l. posted an article on
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May 7, 2011, 9:07 pm
Being buried at sea is an old, established, and very tradition method of being buried. Sir Francis Drake was buried at sea, as was Sir Edmund Hillary and Alfred Hitchcock. Lots of Hollywood stars have been buried at sea, as were quite a few passengers aboard the RMS Titanic. And now, we have a new c... Comment - Like
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May 2, 2011, 1:36 am
I am reliably informed that Usama Bin Laden has been killed, though the details are not as yet clear.
This is a very good thing, as it will save the FBI from the embarrassment of a trial at which the prosecution is not able to present any evidence that will stand up to cross-examination. Not that I... Comment - Like
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Apr 26, 2011, 10:55 pm
According to the South China Morning Post, “China’s space programme is asking the public to come up with a name and logo for a space station it plans to launch into orbit in the future.“
Here are the three front-runners, as they will look when in service:
Jiuquan No.6 Golden Dragon Lucky Gar... Comment - Like
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Apr 26, 2011, 9:03 pm
Why come to China?
A fucking good question, one pondered quickly and accurately by most laowai as “No why. No come.” (translated for the benefit of our darling, slanty-eyed friends who insist that Chinglish is a valid language. I’d hate to leave them out of this, seeing as they constantly p... Comment - Like
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Apr 21, 2011, 10:34 pm
* For Harold – Happy Easter *
There is a difference, it would appear, between an IT fanatic and a fanatic IT person. The former has lots of cool gadgets and gizmo’s and things with flashing lights, whilst the latter causes their neighbours to worry about the safety of their kids.
For instance,... Comment - Like
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Mar 31, 2011, 12:43 am
I read recently about how some Chinese airlines don’t offer a suitable vegetarian meal on international flights, and that this is a violation of IATA rules. Apparently, “Vegetarians in India are not allowed to eat vegetables that grow under the soil and never see the light of day the only choice... Comment - Like
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Mar 14, 2011, 11:20 pm
A few years ago I was on the phone to a client, and he asked me what the time difference was between where he was and China. I replied: “Four hours and four hundred years behind you”.
But China is also 72 hours behind the rest of the world, because it always takes three days for any news at all... Comment - Like
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Mar 8, 2011, 4:01 am
Today is a very exciting day. For starters, it’s International Communist Women’s Day, and that surely is very exciting. It’s also Fat Tuesday, or, as Americans call it, Every Tuesday. Wow. It’s also on this day in history that Johannes Kepler discovered the third law of planetary motion, whi... Comment - Like
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Mar 1, 2011, 11:38 pm
So, you are in China, and you want some clothes? Every city and town has a ‘fabric market’, where you can choose the fabric you want, and have the clothes you desire tailored at a reasonable price. You will enjoy the high quality and low cost, and you may even indulge in a little friendly bargai... Comment - Like
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Feb 21, 2011, 7:37 am
I know I have not of late been as faithful to my readers as many of you would have liked, and I can but proffer my humblest and most abject apologies. Though this meager blog may very well be my highest calling, one can not afford to ignore the small yet insistent demands of other trifles, such as w... Comment - Like
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Feb 4, 2011, 2:58 am
Hello Dear Valued Reader, and a special hello to all the laowai lost in the land of the endless bribe. Of course, happy fricking late-assed new year and a billion burst eardrums to you and yours. Next, let me apologise for my late supplemental. Boss warned me many weeks ago that this article would b... Comment - Like
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Feb 3, 2011, 8:48 pm
New arrivals in the Middle Kingdom have all kinds of questions for experienced old hands like myself, and usually we are able to steer the inexperienced down the correct path and away from trouble. In rare cases, however, the question posed is somewhat of a poser, if you see what I mean. One such qu... Comment - Like
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Jan 31, 2011, 9:55 pm
Disclaimer: The author of this article offered to write it in exchange for being allowed to include links to an outside business. MyLaowai has no connection of any kind with the business linked to in this article, and does not receive any financial incentives from anyone for publishing this articl... Comment - Like
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Jan 5, 2011, 10:11 pm
From the Party mouthpiece, ChinaDaily:
Mistresses jump into the river for BMW
Two 25-year-old women who shared the affections of the same man in Jinan, Shandong province, jumped into the Yellow River in the hope of snagging a BMW.
The pair were both mistresses of a man surnamed Wang, who had sepa... Comment - Like
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Dec 23, 2010, 10:56 am
This year MyLaowai received more than the usual number of submissions for our Christmas Guest Post. Obviously, we deeply appreciate every submission, and hope that those writers who were not published do not lose heart – we love you all long time, really we do. We thought we’d found our Guest Po... Comment - Like
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Dec 23, 2010, 5:22 am
As I am in the business of understanding people, I had a moment of clarity today, seeing two corner-stones of how to work in China as clear as never before and want to share them with you all:
Never assume common sense, about anything and everything ever
If not specified, it will be wrong. Be as s... Comment - Like
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Dec 19, 2010, 6:13 am
So here it is, as Slade once famously sang, Merry Christmas. And a very Merry Christmas to you, wherever you may be.
I am wishing you a Merry Christmas from a place where the phrase “goodwill to all men” is a concept so alien that there’s more chance of it being understood by arsenic-based li... Comment - Like
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Dec 9, 2010, 11:46 pm
A good mate of mine, a local laddie who hates this place even more than I do, once said to me: “Do you know why we say Confucius? Because he very confuse us!”
Yeah, well, by Chinese standards that was very funny and probably qualifies as Joke of the Year. And, like all great comedy (and trust m... Comment - Like
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Nov 29, 2010, 8:46 am
Wang Bei, 24, a former contestant on Super Girl, China’s version of American Idol, died on November 15th during “facial bone-grinding surgery” in Wuhan. Official reports cite an “anaesthetic accident” as the cause: “Wang’s jaw suddenly started bleeding during the procedure, blocking he... Comment - Like
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Nov 17, 2010, 1:37 am
There has been a bit of a fire in Shanghai. Actually, it was rather a large blaze by all accounts, seeing as how a large apartment building caught fire, killing dozens and injuring many more.
Now, you all know me and you know I’m not one for shedding crocodile tears. If there’s one thing I hate... Comment - Like
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Nov 9, 2010, 1:57 am
Dear Student,
So you want a Laowai to be at your beck and call to help you improve your English? Yes, I came to China just so I could devote my life to licking your butt and helping you every way I can. What will you do to help this friend in return? Oh, teach us Chinese? Come on, WAKE UP.
#1: You... Comment - Like
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Sep 28, 2010, 1:56 am
You’ve probably heard about how Panda’s are the cocksuckers of the Animal Kingdom. And it’s perfectly true: they are. However, there’s another animal out there that’s far worse than a poxy panda, and it’s a fucking fish!
I’m talking about dolphins.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know already, I... Comment - Like
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