Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Feb 9, 2012, 12:08 am
I recently read that 85% of the people who start blogs, give them up. I’m happy to be in the 15%, who stay with the work of it. In 2012 I had my day with the most readership thus far. I like the opportunity to influence larger numbers of people to think about ideas from
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Feb 2, 2012, 12:03 am
Forty years ago I wish someone would have explained to me that the core of my in law problems were about their values of what was proper. I remember my brother in law observing “You guys are like oil & water.” This did not offer me any understanding. Being a therapist gives me a terrible
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jan 27, 2012, 12:06 am
What a teriffic movie about the two men who changed baseball. Ever since West Wing (the tv show) I’ve loved the depth & smarts Aaron Sorkin brings to every script he writes. The movie offers a lot of clarity about all the resistance to change that Billy Beane & Peter Gordon encounter in the true
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jan 21, 2012, 12:09 am
Over & over couples find themselves happy to be back in their relationships that were once thought lost. I ask, “What have you both decided will be different this time around?” Not once has anyone given me an answer. This oft-repeated experience is called premature reconciling. Both partners are...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jan 15, 2012, 12:04 am
Many people struggle their whole lives to learn how to make disappointment bearable. One of the great parts of aging (that almost makes up for gravity) is how much easier it is to roll with disappointment. You understand & accept that disappointment is a huge part of life. One example would be to kn...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jan 9, 2012, 12:06 am
On vacation, I started my second book by Charles Cumming and I was surprised & delighted that Alec Milius was the central character yet again. One of the main ways I exact pleasure from reading is to fall in love with the characters’ strengths & weaknesses over time. I believe that’s why the poo...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jan 8, 2012, 8:40 am
Contact To contact Rhoda Mills Sommer, send an email to therapyideas@yahoo.com Professional Experience 9/81 to Present Private Practice including individual, group and couples therapy. In the management of my client load I make an effort to encompass a wide range of issues and broad client base. Typ...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jan 1, 2012, 12:02 am
“…regret clings to me like a sweat I cannot shift.” Alec in The Spanish Game by Charles Cumming Being authentic means accepting regrets are an important part of life. I believe the regrets that are hardest to bear are lost opportunities. The unfinished business of the things you failed to risk...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Dec 26, 2011, 12:39 am
While it’s easy to be smug in our comfortable lives that the protesters don’t have clarity in their goals, I still appreciate their efforts. I remember the thankless task of protesting in the 70′s (the war) & the 80′s (ERA) & how important we believed our efforts to be. A variety of voices m...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Dec 17, 2011, 12:15 am
Meeting someone in a bar is unlikely to guarantee success. Online dating can be very discouraging. Many of my single clients get very hopeless about ever finding the right partner. On the holidays, it’s harder to be single for many people. One example, would be parties where everybody is a couple ...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Dec 6, 2011, 12:17 am
Women often struggle to achieve orgasm because their thinking interferes with feeling their own sexual arousal. If a woman does not understand how to bring herself to orgasm it’s really unfair to expect your partner to solve the problem for you. It’s your body to learn about, it begins with you....
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Nov 25, 2011, 12:34 am
The State of Wonder is the newest book by Ann Patchett. She is famous for her novel Bel Canto which helped me understand more about Opera within a setting of a terrorism attack. “I write about what I don’t know because I love doing research.” she announced when she spoke on 11/21/11 at the Dru...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Nov 15, 2011, 12:20 am
It is a very powerful instinct to run after the person who is leaving you behind. It’s also an instinct that is wrong, and everybody does it anyway. If only I say the right combination of words….. If only I can convince them….If only, if only……. In therapy terms this is called pursuer/purs...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Oct 29, 2011, 12:30 am
Victims have a lot to learn about being more self protective. Victims have too much empathy for others & not enough for themselves. They forget to take care of themselves because they are too focused on other people. Here are 20 Questions to determine whether or not you set yourself up as a victim? ...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Oct 23, 2011, 1:51 pm
I’m a book snob and I cringe at romance novels. The romance novel business is a powerful industry that creates a lot of false hopes about how love should be. Affairs are fueled by the same kind of passion that romance novels are: The power of imagination trumping the hard realities of real life. A...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Oct 17, 2011, 12:09 am
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Norman Cousins Death is something we avoid because it is our ultimate anxiety. Dying is a kick in the butt to pay attention to living life well. If we live to 80 we only have 80
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Oct 8, 2011, 12:41 am
What power my relationship with Patrick still has, even 18 years after his death. He was the most vibrant person I knew. I have lived well because he remains in my heart reminding me how fleeting our time is on this planet. He died when AIDS was a plague that brought certain death. He loved
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Oct 1, 2011, 4:50 pm
In 1980 I worked for a victim focused rape crisis center. I started the incest program for them when the only resources I could find were two books that had been written. Later, I had the opportunity to train in Philadelphia to obtain some knowledge of perpetrators. Perpetrators of sexual abuse are ...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Sep 18, 2011, 12:42 am
Many people grow up in families where ugliness is ordinary. Being betrayed by a Mother or Father is a big deal because that’s where kids first learn about trust. Alcohol can contribute to a lot of ugliness, as it does for the father in this story. Forgiveness is not an easy emotion for those who
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Sep 13, 2011, 12:15 am
I asked for this blog because I know how hard it is to persevere in dating, discouragement is ordinary. From Guest Blog Post Writer Andalyn Adrian: I have learned to detest the grocery store. Shopping on a Sunday, by myself, dodging all of the happy couples planning their weekly meals as I am pushin...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Sep 6, 2011, 12:38 am
“And ideas are like stars. They fall from the sky, they run round your head. They litter your sleep as they beckon. They’d teach you to fly without wires or thread. They promise if only you’d let them.” ***** lyrics from the song Ideas Are Like Stars by Mary Chapin Carpenter***** Exposure to...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Aug 30, 2011, 5:49 am
It was our 38th anniversary this month & I was grumpy my husband had bought tickets to something called Moth. I didn’t understand what it was, even after reading the email he forwarded. It turned out it was one of the most delightful evenings of the year. Moth is an organization that encourages �...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Aug 24, 2011, 12:10 am
It is easier to hide out in the familiarity of self-doubt than to face the hard work of building self-esteem. Self doubt is like an old familiar friend that we want others to take care of. Looking for reassurance outside of ourselves & avoiding staking a claim on our own life has become ordinary. A
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Aug 15, 2011, 12:54 am
In this movie we watch the sparkly beginnings of love disintegrate over time. Blue Valentine captures one of the saddest aspects of life. The camera shuttles back & forth between the lovely past & tragic present. It seems so authentic it’s painful to watch. Michelle Williams asks her grandmother �...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Aug 10, 2011, 8:07 am
It’s the prickleyness of defensiveness that gets in the way of communication. It’s quite a task to wade through defenses, because they are sticky, like muck in a swamp. My work is to help people be more open & vulnerable with each other, which is the opposite of defensiveness. We can’t see the...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Aug 2, 2011, 12:07 am
Many relationships begin when someone wants to be rescued from their life, like Cinderella who found her prince. One way to jack up your self-esteem is to be the hero for someone else. Lenny, the hero of Super Sad True Love Story admits he has a history of dating abused women that he can rescue,
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jul 21, 2011, 12:12 am
These are people who maintain control & power by making distance into an art form. This means they do very little they don’t want to do. Their pleasure is being in charge and not really being vulnerable to anyone else. Vulnerability costs them too much. This is the guy you’ve been dating, then y...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jul 14, 2011, 7:55 pm
I’ve not been a Jonathon Franzen fan until now. I didn’t like the people in Corrections which spoiled the book for me. On the first page of Freedom I was already very worried I was about to repeat the same experience. I’m very happy I persevered. Last night, I finished the final page with tear...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jul 7, 2011, 12:28 am
Many people swallow too much of who they really are. They stop themselves from disagreeing with others, they smile & nod instead. Women & men bury themselves in too many hours at work or in being an expert caretaker of others and then ignore defining themselves. So many parents lack identity when th...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jun 30, 2011, 12:14 am
Koreans make the best films about revenge. There is no doubt about it. Revenge is a very primitive emotion that all of us experience; whether it’s the high school teacher who didn’t think you’d amount to much or an old lover who dumped you. Korean director Chan-wook Park made a very disturbing...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jun 25, 2011, 2:49 pm
When we are interrupted, it haunts us. When my son was a toddler & we had a family membership to the zoo, we would often cross the river to visit. One time I had a meeting scheduled and we had to leave early. For a year and a half Aaron would say, “Mom, remember the
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jun 16, 2011, 12:08 am
The big bad wolf was really nice to little red riding hood. So what, he ate up her grandmother. A client came in today & said she shares her “Rhodaisms” with all her friends. One of them is “He’s just nice. Nice is not enough.” Nice is only the surface and it’s easy to appear
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jun 12, 2011, 12:07 am
“Forty years I kept singing…before the money came.” from her song The Battle of Bettye LaVette I take every opportunity to see Bettye LaVette sing. She puts every fiber of her being into all her songs, which makes her a soul singer down to her bones. The first time I saw her was a few
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Jun 7, 2011, 12:11 am
Right now The Killing is the best show on t.v. The characters of Detective Linden & her partner are complex & authentic. Part of the joy is watching the characters slowly unfold. There are only 2 episodes left and it can be seen online @ amctv.com. The colors are dark in the rain of Seattle
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - May 31, 2011, 12:10 am
One of my favorite parts of this delightful movie is that Annie, the maid of honor is struggling with life after having to let go of her dream of owning her own bakery. In America we seem to believe that everyone can just follow their bliss. We too often ignore the reality that dreams fail
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - May 23, 2011, 1:09 am
The Good Wife is currently the best drama on t.v. I’m not sure why so many more women watch than men. I suspect women watch it because the female characters are complex & three dimensional. Women are important and have an impact in their roles as lawyers, wives, grandmothers & bosses. The best mom...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - May 19, 2011, 12:14 am
This 2010 movie is based on a true story. Mickey Ward is a boxer who has been losing when he allows his management to be left in the hands of his drug addicted brother & controlling mother. It’s actually depressing to see his 7 adult sisters lined up on the couch, having never left to
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - May 14, 2011, 12:21 am
It has been a delight to stumble into another strong female character in Katniss, the heroine at the heart of the trilogy that begins with The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I grew up in the female heroine desert of the 60′s. It’s why Ripley played by Sigourney Weaver was such a revelation in ...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - May 7, 2011, 1:04 am
In the great, raw, howling moments of pain; having a witness matters. There have been many times where the only thing I can do is be a witness to profound pain. I don’t dismiss this as unimportant or as merely catharsis. When someone allows you to witness the depth of their pain, they are allowing
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Apr 26, 2011, 1:08 am
“This (Washington D.C. ) is the most emotionally avoidant city in America.”  David Brooks So many young people question whether it’s even possible to have better than an average marriage. All kinds of people stay in half-baked relationships. People drift away from friendship without a single...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Apr 20, 2011, 1:34 am
“All of us are caught up in what Brooks calls ‘the loneliness loop.’ What drives us ultimately, is the need to feel understood by others.”  3/7/11 Newsweek article on David Brooks & his new book The Social Animal Sometimes the impossibility of communicating accurately is overwhelming. Feel...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Apr 8, 2011, 1:16 pm
I believe art is a part of the infrastructure of being satisfied in life. While art is a broad term and encompasses a lot of possibilities, I think there are three ways to be a part of culture in art. There is passive appreciation which is attending, there is active appreciation in terms of giving ...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Mar 31, 2011, 10:37 am
Top Chef is the only reality show I watch because it doesn’t promote bad behavior. My daughter introduced us to it & it’s now a family activity that includes her husband. It’s about people with skills competing. Like baseball, highly skilled people still get things wrong and make mistakes. The...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Mar 25, 2011, 10:51 am
This is Water is a commencement speech given by David Foster Wallace in 2005 @ Kenyon College. While 14,000 people have listened to the 10 minutes of Part 1 on you tube only 8,000 have listened to the 12 1/2 minutes of Part 2. I will link part 1 at the bottom of this post should you have time for bo...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Mar 24, 2011, 12:05 am
Intimacy requires the  authenticity of disagreement, conflict and sharing the painful bits of life. It is impossible to be close to anyone without the truths that emerge from conflict. How can you really know anyone if you just settle for the superficial? Facebook & texting are tailor-made to keep...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Mar 17, 2011, 7:00 am
It can be very confusing about whether or not to stay or leave a relationship. I remember being so surprised in 1981 when a man admitted to me he’d been sleeping on the couch for 25 years. I could easily imagine how unhappy his spine was. It was not the reason he sought counseling. Men don’t le...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Mar 10, 2011, 7:17 pm
Mothers & daughters fight the most of any parenting pair. Fathers usually have no idea what to do about it and feel helpless or disgusted. What are Teen girls so unhappy about with their mothers? I hear the same refrain; “She doesn’t understand me.” “She doesn’t have a clue who I really a...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Mar 7, 2011, 7:59 am
Avoiding & Deflecting is a national epidemic. It’s important to stop & consider how much that applies to you. Finding more courage to risk more truth telling with those that matter the most is crucial. This is a picture of Patrick, my best friend who died at 40. He faced death head on and lived l...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Feb 28, 2011, 11:38 am
Manipulation can be as simple as “I’m not going to answer the phone when you call, then I don’t have to deal with you and tell you how I feel” or as complex as someone avoiding sex for years with their partner. The television program Mad Men is about the beginnings of manipulating people to ...
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Rhoda M. posted an article on Relationship Realities - Feb 21, 2011, 3:28 am
Every family has strengths and weaknesses. It’s dangerous to be either oblivious to how family affects you or hyper focused and resentful about one part of what happened. Both will erase the opportunity to be different from increased self-awareness. Families offer legacies to their children. One ...
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