... -- an inaudibly mumbling ball of faux suburban angst and lip-biting tics -- is happy-ish in her relationship with the perpetually expressionless Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), but ... , so he won't deflower her, which would turn her into a vampire (hasn't he ever heard of anal? That's how teenagers do it in the South when they want to avoid alerting the heavenly father). Things come ...